happy birthday huiying.. and jiwei

it's a erm.. SurRpriSe bdae celebration for hwing prepared by his bf (roy.. ) erm.. as usual, happy to see them again.. =) turning up and sayin Hi~ and catchin up.. =)

huawei says," moral of story? dun get gf who are turning 21, cos you have to plan for their 21st bdae cele.. haha. "

hui yi

朦胧的眼里是泪
泪含的身影是谁

relief teaching...

slept at 4 and woke up at 730.. nope, not a grumpy morning.
cos i received a call from mrs chua to relief teach for the day..
i am just exhilarated. =)

it has been my dream to be a relief teacher.. erm.. just fun.. ahha.. but alhtough it's quite diff at times, to command and to even talk.. i think i have lost my voice slightly..

4 periods of PE and 4 periods of FEL (Foundation english lesson) yes.. i taught 2 classes of em3 students.. diff to get attention but i am pleased with myself.. well... it's my first try.. i realised, they are bunch of likeable kids.. some of them.. =) shant elaborate much.. but i want to jot down the gladness i have.. to be able to talk to students, and to have students greeting me.. and some students (from the previous excursion trip) to call me from afar "ernest!! wat u doin here.. "

well.. 1 boy cried in my PE lesson cos the other boy punched him.
1 girl cried in my p6 class! cos of erm.. girls quarrels..
1 boy almost cried cos he fell down.! from my p5 class..

haha. =)

took 2 periods of PE with p3.. so... games.. dog and bone.. haha.. =) cos i played that in pri sch too..

think will be glad, to have a few more rounds of teachings.. =)

when i was walkin out, "are you going to teach us english again tmr?" "no.." "huh? why...?" =)

when i was out, a p5 student,
"are you our PE teacher?"
"huh?you from 5B? i din teach 5b today.. i taught 5C."
"but tmr? are u our pe teacher tmr?"
"no.."

=) well.. not that they like me, but i am just happy to, erm.. engaged in conversations with children.. =)

thoughts

"it is hard to let go of the Past if you have not learnt from the past.. as soon as you learn, and let go, you improve the present.."

it seemed to have cast some light to my thoughts and sadness.. but, it's still not easy to do..

today, so chatted with some pple on msn.. suddenly realised that i dun like pple who enforce their apparent understanding on thigns and insert comments when it's just opinions.. i dun like imposing people.. yeah.. guess i jus found out.. but then again.. am i one of them? erm.. i think i have been tryin to be courteous and modest in askin favours.. but have i changed? yeap.. a bit. i think i have caught the disease of having erm.. so called green eyes. i longed for the relationship and closeness whereby things can be taken for granted.. but i have failed to be firmed on what i have believed last time --"farmilarity breeds contempt"..

think i have been refraining myself from blogging randomly for a period of time.. but heck it.. shall con't to write my senseless thoughts even before i move this blog..

today's prayer mtg's sharing by uj is very good.. i felt it.. felt God's constant remainder to ask me to be fervent in Him and not to be the tares, the evil figs, the unprepared virgins.. i think tues' prayer mtg sharing are all very appropriate for me.. it's short and sufficient.. like a daily devotion with a radio help.. often push me to deep thoughts and ponder..

in a daze today.. thinkin bout things which i can't pt to them.. acutally i can lah.. but not going to count them.. it's all erm.. senseless tings.. thinkin that i am alwyas at the wrong place, at the wrong time, wnating the wrong things from wrong pple.. school is starting, and will i be having a group of freinds in school?? will i be involed in nus?/ can i? i can bear to distant myself from shomerim?? but in the first place, many shomerims are distancing themselves.. and am i even close enough to anyone? trying to.. i guess?/ xiuyi, having friends and valuing them above many.. nth wrong to have friends, but i guess one day she will find that secular friends can not provide for her spiritual needs... i guess that is what i am thinkin bout.. find pple edifying and keepin in the faith.. but realli ?/ am i lookin for such pple? or am i more bout fun and people/?

i am not breakin down.. i am jus havin a lot of thoughts, just that they are penned down in words and they are written in this haphazard manner..

anyway, nick commented that the twins are exceptionally stress for sch kids. sec school should be fun and enjoyable.. but somehow, i can and i always think that it's very normal for the twins to be like that.. maybe somewhat my sec sch experience are similar..

thinkin back, ..
filled with revolutions, with mr yue trying to pit against mr kiw's pt of view.. and the whole thing bout prefects moving in two directions (baisheng in the firm stand of doing things right. and some pple doing things rightfully.. ) caught in between many projects in sec 1 (having 1 project for each subject.. !) especially enjoyed the history project (requiring us to collect data and surverys and fieldtrip in sec 1.. fun=)~!! each hols are filled to the max, one week of prefects camp, one week of orientation, one week for pri sch leaders' camp, one week for NACLI? youth challenge? or OBS . blah.. numerous chalets and outings and performances to attend to ... 12 gold medals from the cca groups.. throughout the year attending the gold medalist concerts.. yeap,.. thinkin back, it;'s fun to attend concerts.. and my friends are up there.. and towards the last years.. school trying to shape , i mean to re-shape their values.. to compete with top schools.. duh.. so competitive and commericial. mr yue trying to change the values of the school, blah blah.. power to the students.. and in the end? he left dunman and be the principal for chung cheng.. felt that dhs became a sacrifice for his acoomplishment.. but well. well.. that's not true.. cos no one can say what is right?? to change or not to change.. perception is different..

and yes.. so, i think have been 'stressed' with projects.. results, streams, programmes and catogory.. watever, but i guess the stress are there not as stress but part of the programme.. all will survive.. it's just erm.. part of the spices for us to look back and will realise that the spices acutally don't hurt and maybe we din't even remember the taste of the spices.. but will instead, be content and satisfied with the marvelous dishes we have eaten..

back to what do i want?/ erm.. i want to know what's ahead of me.. but i know i can't, so i hope to be submissive and be comforted and can be comforted by the fact that , i can be in His will.. and He will take care of me.. not easy.. struggling..

God ans prayers

just when i tot God is closing doors for me to apply for hostel (i dun have the passowrd and the OSA Nus is not responding to me.. etc. ) just when i tot it's not His will for me to stay in hostel, i received a letter from NUS to apply for grants and scholarships.. erm.. more imptly, the application number and password is there.~!

well. . wat i am going to do is not to rush into application.. will pray hard tonight... and see how tmr.. =)

thank God.

eca...

went to cafe cartel.. with bp, ty, joyce and jaslyn and meijie amos ed... but i sat with caleb, shuhui amos and ed..

it's as usual, that amos is doin the talkin and sharing his opinions and stuffs in army.. know that he's not having an easy time.. it;s not easy to work in a large organisation.. there can nv be fair treatment and they can never really properly judge and grade ur performance.. there's no projects even if there is, the achievements and gradings are very subjective... yeap.. tough life..

actually, watever he's sayin, i concurr and i think i am often sharing the same thoughts but the thing is, often i will question myself first.. then i will think bout wat's wrong.. to me, it seems that i am the one, the problem.. which is very often true also lah.. i mean, most of the time when you want to blame someone or comment on something, there is surely something that you arne't right or perfect as well.

school starting soon, and i am not lookin forward to it... why.. !

night cycling.

::group photo:: not very nice cos the camera, hha.. got a bit of prob.. haha

yeap, had fun cyclying from 10 pm 24Jun to 4am 25 Jun. yeap.. nice time cycling.. it's nice when you are not bothered by the wheels but the things around.. the people around and the companions you have. it's also a time tothink bout a lot of things, some of them are indeed things which i may be thinkin too much into it..

the trip can be more fun, if filled with more laughters and identity. but it's no doubt a nice trip with the good weather (thank God). and of cos the good turn out.. 30 pple =)

and honghao and bohao, tim and titus came to camp over my place.. tim din even sleep (just playing his game on ed's com and leave at 615!, alone cos titus refuse to wake up.. haah.. hong and bohao left at 730? around there.. to hitch a ride from beepheng.. =) nice night.. =)



::group 5 of the team:: why am i standing so far away from the rest? and i actually tot that i was too close to the person beside me.. is this reflecting my subconsciousness?

guo qu, hai shi zian zai

"看着他们长大，我却没有觉得自己老了，反而又跟他们一同再经历成长的过程，找回逝去或从来没有拥有过的时光。好像重新多活一次。" -- 某人的blog.

读了之后，我才了解自己的心态与想法。我想我也差不多。我似乎很缺乏成长，也没有什么过程可讲的。我似乎是一个人慢慢的长大的。所以现在很喜欢与他们一同再经历成长的过程，找回逝去或从来没有拥有过的时光。给自己机会重新多活一次。

可是,有一个故事却提醒我."如果你认为错过了过去,更应该把我现在." 我很像珍惜现在,可是却觉得无助,不知道如何不错过现在. 也许因为没有过去,所以和现在的朋友格格不入. 或也许是因为现在没有能力与别人得到共识,导致我错以为我是另类的,被排斥的.

我懂我再写什么吗?

sat night

::saturday nite with the guys..::

couldn't and forgot to take pic with weiming.. paiseh..

it is supposed to be a mahjong at my house, ahaha. and thank God that now weiming etc arent seriously keen bout it already. that's good.. save my trouble of erm.. trying to compromise a bit here and there and stumbling others and myself. haha. =)

but it's a nice time hanging out with them.. so many years liao.. not easy.. soon, we will be in our diff ways.. (melbourne, london, bukit timah, boon lay, clementi.. )

well well well.. wat to say? i dun know.. =)

thank God for His ways

Romans 12:9-11
9Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

10Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

11Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

Oh, how much should i praise the Lord for His Word and instruction. never had i ever sat down and resolve issues in this hearty manner. to know that it's Lord's will for us to be loving and in honour, preferring one another and hence sitting together to share our thoughts is such a wise thing to do. surely we ought to follow the Bible's instruction, and not to allow any little leaven to remain within us. feel so good after being able to tell them what i am thinkin.

i think so far, i am th eonly one keeping thoughts from them.. maybe that's why the problem.. i admit that there's a prob or unhappiness cos i felt that i am being pointed at for being low eq due to all the happenings.. but well.. for that, the prob lies on me, cos if i am really bothered, then i am trying to hard to please men. yeap.. it;s my fault..

felt really great... cos i am largely dampen by the thought that i might not be able to behave as per normal anymore.. i mean.. who knows what they have to think bout me.. will be very hurt to know that all the friendship is being shaken and affected. well, at least i am very comfortable to move on and know that we are still brethrens, working and doing things all for the Lord. yeap... i felt sad cos i dun wish to lose the bonds, but i know .. if i try, they are still there..

jun camp 05

strolling down the beach during short sieta time, running on the soft sands and talking to friends along the way.

thank God for the camp. and i pray that all of us will remain and friends, with memories sweet... recounting in when the saints gather home. or if, the Lord tarries, years down the road, recounting the bonds we have.

o, how i realli covet for that...

chuang wai xia qi yi zhen yu

零隆大雨。很久以前伟雄作剪报的时候对于这“新词”所做的解释是，形容雨势很大。哈哈。想当年。。。

窗外现在正下着零隆大雨。其实也没什么希奇的，只不过今天刚从church camp回来。心里有许多的抉择，有太多的东西不想再想，但即使不想，仍然逃不了。我想一切都是一种启示，指引我走我应该走的路。应该是 神的回应，让我知道我的定位。

今天应该睡一整天吧。也真该是时候找他们来一聚了。从我生日那天至今还未能与他们联系。。

应该是时候了。不让我想挽回不了了。

if eq is more impt than answering to God, then, i wonder why. i dun mean it and i think it's just a few hard ways to get my prayers answered.

some things are never meant to be.. . at the end, the question still persists, persists about whether the company does matter or we can really focus on Christ. often, i am such a men-pleaser, and when i realise that i feel sucky. when i tried, and when i think that i am trying to please God, things turn bad and i feel bad as well. it's all bout me.. about me not true, maybe.

and i think this blog should moved. and it's urgent.

learning process

i lost my yellow notebook, the one which i took down messages for all the sundays, shomerim, tuesday prayer mtg and all! argh..

i intend to read thru the book and share them during the camp. too late. maybe God is asking me to start afresh...

feel quite unsure bout this camp. i think i am too ill informed. dun even feel like running the programme. felt that i am quite a puppet and i dun like it but can't be help. felt that i can be something else but welll it's set.

nevermind, i know the ultimate puppeteer behind all sceneS is God. okay.. rest my heart and allow myself to be lead. how can i know how? but i must do it. many of us, including me, have been praying for the camp and i know God will bless it for His name sake or for His purpose. all will be well... in His time and purpose.

while writing, i am still trying very hard... tryin hard to forget the things i am dwelling on and focus on camp.

cycling..

lime says that she's lacked of exercise(que fa yun dong), hence suggesting to go for a cycling trip. you might asked, doesn't she play tennis often? haha.. apparently, tengyan's balls are quite reckless and hence endanger her just-recovered eyes..

yeap, and my bro is having fun with his friends, so his bike is avail for me to use.. but sigh.. as you know, he is so much taller, so have to adjust his seat. then, forgot to tightened the screw before setting off, resulting in a flimsy seat. had a hard to cycling a bike without a seat (cos i really quite noob in cycling anyway)..

fortunately nick came to my rescue. he changed bike with me.. =)

oh ya.. back to my journey to the east.. after metres of cycling we reached pasir ris park.. climbed the web (the infamous spider web), and chat and talk and fellowship.. =)

a night in sentosa

i think i have blogged too much in shomerimblog.. maybe i should start to record things in my own blog.. maybe those shomerim activities are jsut me.. ? not sure..

On the 9th June 2005:

First of all, congrats to Daniel for passing out from BMT. haha... and he, trying to celebrate, as well as to catch some fun, had this bbq@sentosa.


::yeap.. it's bbq time and that's honghao setting up the fire. a prelude to our June Camp Campfire Night..


::walking to the southernmost point of CONTINENTAL asia.. ..::
nice spot to look at the waves and talk and fellowship...

==

a night with the ya ya twins, trying to do their o level add maths and i cannot do quite a no of them! die lah.. going uni liao.. how?? ! felt that it's really a time of change recently. i guess all of them are growing up.. ya.. all of them.. my bro, the twins, even pple like ty, jiannan and nick are growing.. or changing.. and i am still here, resisting to change.

cool google

cool picture.. =) i wish i can draw like that.. =)

reading blogs

enjoy reading blogs. allows me to think that i am not alone.

enjoy stumbling into blogs. there may be things i am interested in.

but i am very glad when pple invite me to their personal blog. feel that i have gained a friend.

today

my day starts with breakfast with the kidz.. jeshua javan baoyan rachel esther. i am so glad that i asked to bring jeshua and javan, if not i would have been left alone on my own. haha.. the girls are so secretive and "sisters".. in other words --closed up. and now rachel and baoyan are like best friends of all..

and there's this big hussle and commotion trying to plan the cleaning duties cos ra wants to be with baoyan. children.. haha.. well, i can understand, i am stil half a child and i can remember the times when i was young.

but overall, like the feeling of doting children.. if they allow me too of cos.. =) esther is so diff to know.. she's like sometimes child-like and chatty and sometimes giving you that face only a rude adult will give you.. dun know take her as child or adult.. fan bai yan! argh..




--
then it's about church in the afternoon. felt stirred during the message. not really about the message content but about myself.. erm.. really felt that there's too much pride taken for the things that i am doing.. and i seemed to be doing them for vain glory and getting attention for myself.. ya.. i know i am wrong.. and i am seriously tryin to deal with my pride. may all glory be unto Him, the Great and Almighty One.

after chuch, felt quite restless, dun know what's next.. felt quite lost. dun know why.. and saw desmond, feeling that i am feeling the same way as him. there can be more friendship forged in the church. yes, as i was saying, i ought to remember Him to be my best Friend at all times but i think a close brethren is impt too.. well.. if He thinks and know that i really need one, i trust that He will give.

church camp is next week!! there's so much to finish and accomplish before then.. argh!!. must spend more time with God.

and shomerim, yah.. it's 22 people in the group today!! felt so happy to see that the the circle is big.. look at the pic! it's only taken from one angle so cannot see the full attendance but notice the big circle. heehee. truly, how i wish that the Lord will find us faithful.

Went to liangkiang's grandpa's wake. again, it's a test for him.. to be firm and not to participate with the rites and rituals.. i felt so bad cos i din't stay firm when i was in sec 1/2 when my grandma died. it's a testing and i failed it then..

i am so encouraged and feel erm.. happy for him. ya.. honghao actually willingly gave up to go for spec course to attend church camp. will i be like him in the same situation? at least i know, if i were in sec 3, i am not as zealous to live for my Lord. but i know i must catch up now and make up for the lost years of nominal christians. !

happy birthday roy~

dearest royston...

Happy 21st BirThday! friendz always!!~..





yeap.. tho we have diff lives and friends, and different route in life, i never fail to feel that you are my best friend each time we met. thanks for being a friend and happy birthday>~

ernest

---

yeap.. roy's bdae party at tamp safra ktv lounge. it's a party indeed where there's KTV in the hall and pool table (tho i din't play) and free flow of drinks, alcohol and non-alcohol. it's a total diff bdae cele from mine.. but of cos the cost is high. haha..

//and i stop and think, will i prefer his or mine. i think i will keep mine. his 21st birthday is so adult, with ktv and all, and that is something that i am not very keen to have.. adulthood? nope i am not celebrating adulthood, i am celebrating cos it's worth being happy.

and the group of friends? he has relatives (which i have excluded) and friends from army, jc, cca, sec sch and of cos pri school.. so nice to see him partying with his army friends/platoon mates, they are really a bunch of crazy guys boozing away.. and also with him, his friends.. i can feel that they are a close bunch of friends.. i guess, to me, he's another type of friend, a type of friend whom i will always remember to be my best friend from primary school. it's the ties that binds and the memories that holds. that loong time after, we will still take each other as friends more than acquaintance..

//then i stop to think again, thinking that it will be so nice if i had, erm.. maybe table tennis teammates or army camp mates to party with. people whom i have spent great deal of time going thru exciting events together... but i know i shouldn't think this way.. i thank God for giving me the friends that i have now.. no matter how distant they may seem to be, they are still my friends..

i may not have a party with lotsa yum-seng but i have a bbq with help from so many friends and shomerim celebrating with me. yesh.. counting my blessing..

excluding my relatives is smth which doesn't hurt me but i think it's quite a loss to my parents. i think it's really their joy to announce that their son is 21 already. yeap..

saw shevon, she's all grown up. just like my bro. feel so old. haha.

think that my bdae bbq is God-given. until the very last week i have not settle all my food and help came from tengyan and beepheng. and when i tot i have little friends to invite, i have shomerim and church to celebrate with me. thinking back, i really feel the sweetness from God.

and when i was envying roy having good and close friends around, i felt guitly again. cos i actually allow to forget my Friend, Lord Jesus, who has been with me all the time. i am so vulnerable to remember only physical tangible objects.

wanfen felt so at home over there, for she knows almost one person from each table.. from all over the places.. haha. and me? well.. i have small social circle. heeh. also stop to ponder what is the ernest that i want to be.. the one who says hi and bye to lots of people or the quiet, introvert me.. ? need to think bout and make a decision before uni aagain..

21 years old.. what's next?

sentosa overnight trip

Sentosa Overnight Stay

some teacher from tnps was sick and couldn't make it for the trip n hence bee pheng ask me if i want to 'stand in' for her.. of cos i wnat to.. ! it sounds fun.

it's a pri school learning journey at sentosa's underwater world. reach there at bout 5 and there will be a trainer to present some facts etc.. about sharks.

then, they proceed to the underwaterworld for tour and facts learning followed by quiz. at night, we will stay in the underwaterworld, sleeping in the tunnel. =) cool sia.. it's like sleeping in a room full of aquariams and fish tank. i choose the spot beside a big tank! haha. quite cool!..

then the next day.. it's dolphin intereaction.. but i fell asleep during the show cos i was chatting with beepheng till bout 3! haha.. nice talk.. talkin bout church, people, children, keith and all.. fun.. haha..

and yes.. followed byt the touch the dolphin segment, which i think it's the best of all. took a picture.. will post as soon as i gotten the picture.. hehe. =)

nice time at sentosa!!

it's a nice trip, like an excursion.. and nice to see keith playing.. he's so adorable.. haha!. .

21st birthday!~

Thank God for His provisions and that i can have my 21st bdae and its celebration.

the whole photo album


::the children, u.john and me.. ::

::dhssech 2h'98 friends~::

::shomerim!!~::

::my family::

::vjc 01S46 friends::

::dieppe barracks friends::

::jiapei, weiliang, jingyu~::

and yes.. i passed my driving.. finally! +=) thank God.

going out with dixon

went out with him yesterday. and today too, cos he met ms to at plaza sing and i was there..

i think some time ago, he asked me out too, when he just got his first job. he was behaving the same way.. being extremely outspoken and outgoing, trying to know almost everyone on the street.. but this time, it seemed to be differenet.. with his eyes and expression and the extremist content.. he's not the same..

tryin very hard to talk to him.. esp about God. but i dun think it works.. only God can help him..

i want an optical mouse.. this mouse is 8years old alerady.

then, i will need more usb port/.

i want to have burner.. but dun know for what.. wnat to buy mini compo, but realise ti's all bout mp3. so.. ?/

basically.. they are wants.

dinner 050505

yeap.. had dinner with them who enlisted on the same day as me on our very last day of national service. hmm. it's really a nice dinner with them with the usual as what yue-en quoted, witty conversation.. yeap.. bout puns and jokes.. suaning and niao-ing.. haha. ~

the dinner starts late cos i was late.. cos i left camp (went back to talk and collect pink ic) late.. ahah.

listening to them and their brief accounts of what they were doing and what they are doing.. erm.. think i should write them down..

alvin, doing eh.. was it mass com? or changed? forgot
matt, going overseas to .. eh.. can't remember but to be a doctor..

“Some years down the road, we shall all meet at the same place and same time....
at Matthew’s clinic to take MC” ~ Alvin Cai.

“And I thought you were going to say something touching” ~ Xue Zhao Sheng

“And don’t forget to bring your children along” ~ Chong Yue-En (When Alvin said what he said, I was thinking this is so “AC/RI/SJI” etc)

“Will it be Matthew Jackson Chen’s clinic?” ~ Alvin Cai (Matthew is planning to going into pediatrics)

"Yes. Neverland Clinic" ~ Matthew

yeapp.. a doctor to be, benefiting nsfs next time. haha..

but somthign bout matt's study overseas.. it's a step of faith cos he dun have enough money.

and situ and matt started this business to do freelanching web design and designing stuffs.. yeap.. cool venture. impressed.

maki was quiet, as usual.. haha. he's going to eh.. japan for uni study.. i think.

listening to their conversations, i think most of us have done a great deal in army and not slacking away.. this project and that.. stand in for him and her and etc. so, why will some pple slack and some pple con't to be exploited? guess it's pride (disgusting fellow).. yeap.. take pride in the work we do..



dinner ended with a dedication at fountain of wealth. (which the deejay read out instead of flashing.. )
from: CPL(NS) and 3SG(NS)
to: all NSFs
message: Ord lor!!!!!




photo album for the night

Wish List:: updated

after re-arranging!!! hahha..=)

things that i need and will buy eventually before uni:

1. mp3 player (i need a media storage when i go uni)
2. sweater (a nice lookin one to wear in cold lecture theatre and church camp)
3. clock (a yellow one, i need one in my room) (hmm.. think ya ya twins getting it.. haha. =) erm.. ya.. )
4. yellow set of stationery (ya.. files, small stapler, paperclips, post it flags and all.. haha)
5. clotheS.. for uni. well.. i can have as many as poss. haha. (so far, thanks a.ket for it in advance. haha)

the rest are luxury items:
1. watch (erm.. think lime getting for me.. ahha.. a bit paiseh but thanks!! hehe)
2. sony ericson phone earpiece (i lost mine!!!) i found it. haha.
3. a bag for uni? maybe lah.. (erm.. i think someone getting for me too.. hhaha. =)
4. handsfree phone to use in room.
5. belt <>
6. sunday black shoes <>

wishlist

after serious thoughts.

1. mp3 player (i need a media storage when i go uni)
2. sweater (a nice lookin one to wear in cold lecture theatre and church camp)
3. clock (a yellow one, i need one in my room)
4. yellow set of stationery (ya.. files, small stapler, paperclips, post it flags and all.. haha)
5. clothes.. for uni.
6. handsfree phone to use in room.

the rest are luxury items:
1. watch
2. sony ericson phone earpiece (i lost mine!!!)
3. a bag for uni? maybe lah..

June Camp 05:: youth camp!!

Want to know what's it all about? come and hear.. !

holidays. =)

yeap.. still having my holiday.. and by right i should be updating my blog more often than ever.. =)

went out with the ya ya twins, together with shuhui and lingqin.. erm.. why the outing? haha. just trying to befriend and get together esp when they are away from us for so long. hm.. din't see zion caleb etc asking me out last time.. =(

i am constantly knowing and noting that they are 6 years younger then me and caleb is 6 years older.. well.. but till date, they are like bout same mental age as me.. i am too underdeveloped or they are welldeveloped.. haha.. good and bad.. ? hehe..

lunch at 3 and then walk and then dinner at 7.. and go home. orignally wanted to go thru the 4 minor prophets with them briefly.. tot it's good to spend time with God's Word but din't .. . hm.. dun know why also.. tot it might be too mian qiang.. dun know lah..

as usual bringing them to jiwei's store.. hoping that jiwei's store can get more costomers and also that my friends can get better deal than the rest.. haha. what am i trying to do? pleasing both sides or one? ... dun know lah..

birthday celebration.. not yet done anything significant.. hm.. should i start to think bout my bdae presents? bohao is asking me if i want this if i want that.. ?? !~.// feel weird telling them that i like this (cos i am scared that i will regret my choice) haha.. evil me.. leaving an option to blame someone if i dun like the gift.. but i really dun want soft toys.. too duh liao..

what i wnat?

erm.. a clock? yellow colour..
erm.. T-shirts? or clothes? for university!! haha.. must be youngster type! dun want pple to think i uncle again.. =(
the rest? eh.. anything liao lor.. mp3player watch.. earphones .. if i have mp3player.. yellow pref.. cards. . sweater! (that kind which is warm and not like windbreaker. ) need to get lenses aslo.. but that's my own expenditure maybe..

think office getting me clothes laio.. sigh.. it's such a funnie thing to ask for gifts...

end of blog.

ECA today.

yeapp.. went out to pasar malam today with shuhui, shuping, meijie, tengyan, lingqin, daniel..

think that conservations shoudl be recorded.. =)

talking bout back slided brethren.. erm.. i think i felt helpless in many ways..
heard about the many pple who visited liangkiang.. i realised that when i tot i wanted, and actually have planned to visit him, but i did not. erm.. just think that i should have done it. i should have shown more concerns to pple around. this does not restrict to the churhc.. i am thinkin bout my friends outside too. no wonder my ciricle of friends dwindle.. cosi am not making enough effort..

anyway, i think liangkiang knows what's going now and he's strugllilng with his thoughts too. just as i am, somehow, i think i , as well as many, understand what is he going thru.. i have backslided too.. and now i am resolved (God knows how long).. but yes.. hope he will be back soon.

with xiuyi.. i really hope that she will call me back or reply sms.. sigh.. felt so, unable.

honghao and bohao.. they are facing parental objections and hence not coming.. yes.. con't to pray for them. i really thought that they have been brave and of good courage. and i esp will like to give them all the support that i can. (maybe cos i see myself in them.. ) this burden to provide help and support and to encourage and commend them for what they have done so far. hm.. sms them more frequently..

something i learnt from mee mee, that is to be generous with your sms and words.. yes.. that's what i have learnt from the shomerim pple visiting liangkinag too..

oh yes.. humility!! message from this sunday's message. yes.. i msut con't to strive.. till then can i be happy with myself and other.!!! may the Lord, my God be the person i am lookin up to. and not to strive for vain attentions and glory.

tuesday with morie.

been reading the book for the past few days.. going to finish it soon. yes.. it's a nice book giving you insights about life from a dying person. he says words which sounds like pearls of wisdom. mainly tellin us that earning money is not the most impt thing but the pple that you are having, and the time invested in people will be evidently more 'profitable' than money. it's your wife who will be with you at your deathbed and take care of you when you are sick. it's the vists from friends that he treasures. till he's going to die, he can still be optismistic about his illness and con't trying to be useful, by trying to talk to pple and give pple advice. but then, each time when he mentioned about what's the real and impt thing in life, i start to wonder if he's saying is correct. i mean.. he's dying but not dead. how can he be sure that the philosophy he's holding is correct even after death?

this book is one of the best-selling books. i guess maybe they think that the words of the dying person is worth listening to. they know that it's a true account for there's such a person called morie. but then again... what if hundred years down the road, will they still be interested and take the converstaions recorded in the book as beneficial? wil lthey think that it's a book purely fictional and the character is also a fiction? we have the Bible today, which gives us the true account of the true person who came to this earth 2000 years ago. not only that he says things and teaches many lessons about life before his pending death, he rose again and gave more lessons and warning to us concering our whereabouts after our deaths. why wun we believe in the account?

nvm.. but well.. it's a true account and that's why many have believed then. even then, as well as now, we are still givin the faith to believe.. i wish to world will believe.. and come to know that there's this God. and not other types of gods..

for those who believes in science and truly believes that this world is formed from nothing.. you believe in your experients and text books etc.. generations of years down the road, will they still believe that watever written in our textbooks? will they ever thing that it's a conspiracy to standardize all the textbooks in the world to tell us the there's a water-cycle etc.. if they can.. why woundn'twe believe the accoutns our forefathers wrote for us in the bible, that we may believe and know

well.. i dun know..

i ask my mother... what will i be?

when i was a little a boy, i asked my mother what will i be? will i be handsome? will i be rich? this's what she said to me...

what ever will be, will be.

---

back in dhs we spend time learning how to be leaders and even to understand pple. yeap for a period of time i tot that there are indeed different type of leaders around and i belong to this type and he belongs to that. and we have different kind of pple around us and hence we motivate and 'lure' them differently..

ideally, i will be the one who works with the rest, and use subtle words, to let opinions and suggestions be carried out (even if that's not my success formula), and to blend in with the team, gently leading them to the direction required. to accept the burden and shoulder the blame for the rest of the team to grow and learn, to experience and to understand. that i will still be in background, be that insignificant helm, small and out of sight, yet contributing to the journey.
or so i thought.

somehow i think those are just rubbish. cos it seems that human beings are just creatures that only respond to choleric approach. and they will rather run with the choleric into the deep waters than to float with the gentle flow to the harbour. felt that being insertive is the only ways to get heard. felt so unfulfilling.
---

i have this prob. that is to covet for all the stages of life. wish to be a kid that the kids will look up to. to be an adult that is taken care of. i crave over the situation pple are in which i have experienced it when i was much younger than they are. i have this problem of being attention seeking. bad bad bad.

---

i have this problem of stagnant knowledge.. and i need to acquire more to keep myself entertained. argh!!!

--

i have a prob, which is having too many problems.

bdae

let me try to remind myself.. and pray that tho i am celebrating my bdae soon, that I should still decrease and He should increase. that what i am doing is pleasing to Him. to check my heart, reminding myself that this is just for remberances/ties/kins sake and not for me to boast.

pray for wisdom to be discerning and level-minded as i proceed with the planning.

ord

have to announce..

ORD lor..

so much about writting memoirs.. haha.. laze is catching up with me..
bad boy.

holiday

yeah.. having holiday.. erm.. enjoying it. enjoy planning and doing all the things that come to mind each day. =)

invited shuhui, beepheng, shuping, meijie, lingqin to my place for the taiwan cup noodles supper. =) take a longer time to invite tengyan, and haha.. quite funnie.. as if he's not wanted. hahah..

---

think i have this real bad habit. that i am an attention seeker. i wish to be the norm and the centre everytime. heard tengyan sharing bout his experience with the chinese from heilongjiang etc.. erm.. i was thinking that it's a nice experience for him (so nice). but i forgotten that all the things that he's doing are things that i was doing in sec 3. ya.. it's like erm.. those are things which i have done it so long ago. sigh.. what am i thinkin..

---

tmr.. erm.. driving lesson.

Taiwan Trip Photos

Taiwan Trip, erm.. i mean Exercise photos. =)

back to Singapore

i am back to Singapore for 2 days.. erm.. start to face the reality of spending money in taiwan.. and yes.. i have to get my things back in place which includes the web pages that i have promised pple.

jiwei started this shop at plaza sing opposite dbs bank. it's g-mask.. nope it's not a comsmetic mask but a phone laminating thingie.. finally he's doing something that is not about arcade and machines. haah.. but it seems that it's hard on him.. to deal with the cost and salaries to his employees.. yes.. his employees..

been reading tuesday with morrie (in chinese, cos i bought it in taiwan) haha.. it's a nice book but i kinda dread to con't it.. erm.. the content strikes me and cause me to think about the way i ought to live my life.

i tot i have found my focus.. but i was wrong.. i have this wide screen lens in my eyes which cause to me to set my thoughts on every little thigns that pple have..

edwin ong (discom) told me about his friend who is the ACC for erm.. 4 SIR.. and describe him as someone who is indispensable in his unit. his life and workload is like hell.. i almost tot that i will wnat to be like him.. cos i think it's nice to be capable of such..

but then again, when i see pple have easy life in unit slacking, i will think that i wouldn't mind that kind of life..

wat am i driving at? i hav little idea of what i can and want to be.

spending my time in church. yah.. in fact, after one month in taiwan, i told myself that i will miss all my sabbaths and shomerims.. but on the other hand, felt like spreading my time to all my associates and friends.. ya.. what do i wnat/ i dun know..

acutally, i know.. but i am not following them.. and i switch my directions often.

i am now eager to download the photos into the com and upload them into the net and maybe dedicate a website to my trip hee.. okie. that will come after alan's and (hong+bo)haos' web.

day 26

wow!! next week today i will be in singapore for 2 days liao!! wonder what will i do once i reach singapore. who will i first meet up with.. who will first notice my arrival. or who will realise my departure in the first place.. haha..

27th - flying off at 2050hrs
28th - 0050hrs, reached singapore. (of cos no work on that day) (must remember to go for medical appt and take a whole lot of medicince before i ORD)
29th - off
30th - saturday
1st - sunday (finally)
2nd - mon, off
3rd - tue, off
4th - wed, off
5th - go back office.. (and spend money.. )

where the offs come from.. well.. 30 days in taiwan, 3 days isn't too much right?

day 25

today is a super bad day for me.. dun know why.. think that i am being such a xiao ren and failure..

fred says that i am talking in an agitated manner.. guess i am, when i am talking to some pple. okie.. maybe i am in the wrong.. but well, i dun quite like the idea that he says i am talkin differently cos i am 3sg.. argh.. okie.. i need a mirror.. for reflection. most prob i will be disgusted by myself and plunge into a deeper trough..

now i dun dare to return back to office, cos darrell emailed to tell me that the printer he bought based on my recommendation is not parallel port enabled!! .. shucks lor.. i DID check and that OCS lady double checked and confirmed some more! what went wrong?? i really dun know.. but i really no face to go back and face him.. argh.

things are getting quite incredible..

by right, i am supposed to write about my 'excursion' today.. to manzhou, to haikou, to kuanshan, chuhuo and so one.. and talk bout their lek dao shuan blah.. talk bout my long trip which make my face turned black (so much so that ms to says that i am tanned).. but i am not in the mood to do so.. i feel that.. good things are coming to an end.

what am i doing? haha. argh.. what am i thinking.. my heart is in a whirlpool now.. too much to think about.. and yet i dun seemed to be capable of thoughts, deep thoughts.

day 24

today.. erm.. okie lah..

there's something about me that i cannot stand it myself.. i like to have what pple have.. reallie.. it's super bad and disgusting.. i wish to have everything.. with to get to know all the pple around and wish to be friends with many pple.. it's like grabbing many things in one hand..

of cos, some judgemental thoughts set in.. felt that vina isn't very erm.. forthcoming and it seems that he's workin in a 'i think i am busy' manner. yes.. i know store is not easy to handle but i dun see him being very busy.. as in, he has time to slack also... he has time to nap at times when things are not very busy.. dun know lah.. it's me being judgemental.. fred seems very gum with him.. boozing with him most of the time when he drinks.. on the other hand, ravi seems nicer, erm.. less complaints and just trying to finish his job .. yea..

my previous driver's car broke down.. hence, we changed the driver (the driver is tagged to the vehicle) .. this new driver is quite okie.. but since it's the last week liao.. guess will not get to know him well.. hope to touch on the Gospel before i leave this place... this is my 3rd driver liao.. sigh.. nv get to knwo them well enough before changing..

yesterday a roc soldier walked out of the cookhouse and he saluted me~ hah.. i was like, turn left turn right, who is behind me.. haha.. heard of such cases but nv thought it will really happen, and to me.

it is better to have a good friend than to have someone who listens to you.. erm.. it's better to have good companion.. what am i trying to say.. well well.. just hoping for better and more depths in relatioships with pple around..

and i am going back to singapore sooN!.. in fact, it's next week.. exercise is going to cut on the 24th..

when you ahve gotten used to the norms in taiwan, it's the feelings and thoughts rather than experience that you will liek to jot down.. there's so many things that i wish i can remember and bring them back to singapore..~

day 16

i have this problem.. that is to feel comfortable when everyone gets comfortable with everybody.. low esteem.. and having probs making good friends..

things get worse when the guys start to talk about girls and stuffs plus etc.. feel like withdrawing from them but yet that's the topic, for them and almost the one and only topic.. dun know lah.

get to know few pple, mostly frm discom.. erm.. well.. not in depth but impressions made.

timothy. english speaking, capabilitis fully exploited in saf. and he feels not good about it. will like to be an offr (of cos). laments bout saf and he's gettig out soon anyway..

edwin, vs, nyj. one year my junior.. erm. have this cheerful friendly look

terrence, big built, walking around with the nicotine gum in his mouth most of the time.. give me that xiao1 sa3 seh.. hha.a. oh yes.. he's one of the pple i have sent for bmt recourse..

qin yixi, very positive and ren lao ren yuan.. always smiling in midst of his work.. impressive. hehe..

shawn, dhs junior, talked to him only during army..

boh, think his behavior isn't very acceptable in the generally standards of his colleagues.. and when i saw him, i felt that i am almost like him.. i guess i am just too self-cautious.. argh..

i think i should lie down.. and blend into the background.. yet i cannot do that most of the time.. felt that i am doing the rest a disservice if i am resting or having a good job scope.. argh.. what am i thinkin.. i shouldn't be concerned bout anything here.. just spend my days..

saw baisheng today at renshou.. ta xiang yu gu zhi, bu yi le hu.. and not forgetting andy to on kin, whomi met days ago too.. it's a small world after all..

day 12

sigh.. i think i spoilt jos' mp3.. argh.. hope it's manufacture fault.. dun know lah.. hope it;s the battery.. no matter what.. it's damn paiseh, even the process of making up to him is quite paiseh..

learning to do things not-the-office way here.. erm.. it;s quite diff.. i really think i am not doing well in stuffs like coordinating men going here there. but stil, i need to learn..

see how lah

day 10

it's a few days before CGO came and the main troops will be coming on the 11th.. so.. it';s our supossedly 2nd last nights out...

it has been more than one week and i think i start to feel and judge pple around.. of cos it is bad but well. after some time, we tend to have some opinions about pple around..

bkz, erm.. dun know him well.. but that time heard from wo jeery askin the rest of them who is the one who cannot stand him the most blah.. hm... wonder what does that mean..

of cos, will still like to remember wilfred for being a companion. nice to ahve him around. n jiaye and vincent. ! have been walkin with them for the past 3 nights out.. haha.. not bad.. quite nice to have them around to walk talk and eat...

but yesterday night out is a bit down.. erm.. why/?? cos i have made a calculation about the money that i am going to need in kaoshiung and kept withholding myself from buying anything that catches my eye, cos i am reminding myself that kaoshiung is the place to buy, not in this small town!! but later, when i see that the signal, supply etc pple bought so many things, i felt erm.. so sad.. thinking that i might have missed out some deals or nice stuffs..

sigh.. i know my problem. it's coveteousness!! it's really deadly.. i want to have what they have bought! that's so evil of me..

missed QT yesterday again.. yes it is becos of night out.. lights out liao .. well. have to catch up tonight..

V, erm.. he seemed to have known the ropes in qm dept and acting like a ag.CQ . haha. erm. i think we all like to be entrusted with responsibilities.. but the prob in NS is that i have to constantly remind myself that there are more capable pple around but not working (cos they are withholding... ) those who are working are those with the willingness to work, or the vulnerability of being used. ??

Lord's Day1

glad to spend more time with Him although it is a working day here.. indeed, the sabbath is made for man and we need it... it's really quite bad to have 7-working-day week.

since it's a sunday, they let us have nights off again. this time we went to heng chun zhen. erm.. if ken ting is a pasar malam night hangout, then heng chun zhen is like tampines 201 (bigger version of it)

spend more money again.. ermm.. this time on postcards stamps and a book. well.. really hve to restrain myself from spending too much!.. hve to spend during r and r.

day 6

blogged in shomerim.


today is Lord's Day.. but will talk bout it later.. let me recap about day 6...

yesterday was a day of sleep. yeah.. can i can really sleep, of cos i am not so pig.. i spend time reading the book nick lend to me - a bird's eye of of the Bible. hehe.. making good progress reading...

haven't been making a log of things and facts regardin taiwan.. let me try to do it fast..

1. they dun have sewage pipes, and all their waste goes to a sewage pond (hua fen chi).. and after some time they will engage a truck to suck out the stuffs.. haha.. you can see the brown stuff going thru the pipe.. hehe..

2. the onions here are big! haha.. anyway, the ah bing ge here have to help with the harvest cos the lao bai xin will kang yi if they dun do so.. cos their trainings are very noisy, helping to harvest is to compensate them. and yes.. why the onions so big? cos the wind here is very strong! the stem of the onions are blown off, leaving most of the nutrients in the underground stem (bulb) etc.. blah..
and why the wind so stong, cos it;s hot now!! it's near summer and the place is so hilly, the difference in pressure is great and so on.. haha.. (jos, go and mindmap hor!!~)

3. the soldiers here are somehow modelled after the americans.. they salute their sergeants.. so, they always salute us when we go into some of the camps (other than heng chun) .. haha. but most of us dun return the salute (think it's weird) but i think they think we are rude.. hmm.. not sure..

4. when we went to ken ting, they warned us that we must buy if we bargain! if not they will gang up and ostracise us.. haha.~

5. 4 ban = 1 pai, 4 pai= 1 lian, 4 lian = 1 ying, 4 ying = 1 lv, 4 lv = 1 shuai...

finished up my QT lag.. have and will try to spend more time wiht the Lord today.. i hope..

day 5

blogged to shomerim....

yeah.. thx nicole! haha.. and to xy, erm.. i also long time nv play pool liao!! sigh..

ya.. i have to moisturize my skin a lot. in fact it's already quite dry and flaky. pls pray for me. the air is dry here..

also, i have stomachache everyday, got wind in my stomach everyday day.. argh.. dun know why..

anyway, yesterday i have first night out! went to ken ting at 0830 and yeah.. bought some things already.hehe.. guess whose present have i gotten ? haha.. spend bout 100NT on food (trying to restrain myself to save money for the last few days). ate zha4 xian1 nai3, shan1 zhu1 rou4, stinky tofu (the not very stink type, not very good), ostrich satay (ex!) and ya.. something like that..

haha.. i cannot recap wat happen in the day time for day 5 cos the night overwhelmed the rest. haha.. reach camp quite late.. so QT missed, for the first time here, hopefully there's isn't much more to come.

Sunday here is a working day.. we are operating 24/7. so... guess i have to keep the Lord's Day in another way.. sigh..

have fun pple.. see you all in 3 weeks' time!

day 4.5

first day at work in taiwan within the camp.. done some simple printed, translation and the worst of all --photostating!!!

it will be good and more enjoyable if the machines is like those in singapore. imagine one with sorter, prone to jam and !! the instructions are in japanese..!!! i have to literally guess my way thru the entire printing sessioN~..

again, i will say, things are pretty fine if there's someone to wash my clothes for me. haha.!! ~

thoughts today.. erm.. talk bout erm.. wilfred,.. being a good companion, well.. things will be really bad here in ROC without him. ~

talk bout ms loh.. my ic this time. i think this word is apt for her - a sight-seeing tourist under the wraps of military. haha..

day 3

want to write in chinese but the computer here only allow fan ti. presently feeling quite down.. in the sense erm.. not happy.. i think i am mentally bothered by the fact that i need to wash my clothes (which is not impt)

and i need to do some unimpt things but yet no computer. (which is not an issue)

sigh.. think i just being diff with myself now..

back track... i said i will like to write bout pple in dieppe, one by one.. now let's talk bout roger. ermm.. he's the most 'baby face' guy around.. can't imagine that he;s a staff, reg, married and with child..

the rest.. is bout how crap people work in saf... erm.. just thoughts

been to renshou today.. erm.. spend the day there talkin to them and witnessing handtake, see the hua4 fen4 chi2... and a few of them call me zhang guan.. ahha.. get to knnow their army and forces.. quite interesting..

and in camp... ya.. was bout no com and no photocopier.. and i just 'spoilt' our copier !! arghh...... hope that it's a fake spoil..

erm.. tmr going to renshou again..

i did my QT yesterday, hope i can do it again..

anyway, i thank God for giving me good weather here (it was hot, and now it';s cold) erm.. i think it's good weather.. pray that God will con't to take care of me.. =)

day 2

2nd day here... erm.. quite okay so far.. i think the only thing i
cannot
stand here is washing my clothes..

went to ren shou camp to recce today.. erm. ya.. wind strong but not as
strong as described by weiming.

morning start with 1st parade and the day starts with last parade..
erm..
this time for one month.. i quite happy here stil... erm. see what will
i
say days later.

the 1gds troop is here.. now the camp is crowded.. sian.. but this is
the
real regimental life, communal living.. ahah>~ see how lah... but being
hq
gds still quite good. everything ot ot..

and yes,.. done my QT yesterday.. will do it today, i pray

day 1

have a big farewell from the church. jsut after an emotional farewell to jiaen.. people cried.. alice and david, xiuyi and shuhui.. alan said that i am very qian bian to choose a song to make all of them cry.. and to change the lyrics until so diao~.. actually i also very sad jiaen is going. there's much to learn from him.

and then, it's farewell to me. mee mee send me to airport.. hehe. and many came! really.. i wasn't expecting so many.. i think...
alvin, lili, nicole, teckbeng, shoon, shuping, shuhui, xiuyi, caleb, desmond, beepheng, limei, javan, tengyan, liangkiang, meijie, a. ke. (have to list,but not with me now. )

very touching, as what jia'en says, it's the affection and love within the church that is so enticing.>~ . thank God for them.

of cos, along the way to taiwan, erm.. as usual, i start to compare people, and to think that oh, i dun have this and i dun hav that.. how come people can have that and this but i cannot.. and then i realise that i am murmuring too much!! yes... i mustn't let go of this opportunity God gave to me to rely on him and to trust on his ways.. yes.. be full of faith that He will within no good things from us. and more imptly, it's Him that matters afterall~.

tmr will be going to ren shou for recce. erm. let it be nice. hehehe.. or watever it will be~ =)

a long day

today is a long day...

starts with 0945 at queenstown..
and it ends with 0000hrs at airport, bound for taiwan.

blog site moved.

Chirs is right.. for some reasons, this blog site shouldnt be make known to my office colleagues. it should remain an anonymous ground filled with ranting and words by blurdreamer.. and who is this blurdreamer? no one needs to know~~!!

i have made a mistake, i tot office colleagues are just like friends. but well.. to an extent, it's different, cos the friction is greater due to larger contact. they dun need to read my blog to know me.. esp after all the great effort putting up a front during daily life. why am i exposing myself to pple whom i tot they are friends?

this site is going to move.. for my dear friends.. those who bother, will have means to ask the new site from me.

anyway, this is the preliminary idea... not put into actions yet.

alumni~ ?

management~

i think i am enjoying my life.. to be busy and occupied.. but at times, quite blur about what's going on around me..

think it is impt to find time to meet as many pple during this time, go out with friends, kidz lah>~

at the same time, have to start planning for finances.. too many things on the wnat list..

insurance, driving (this is the killer), school restarting package... blah!!

really need some wisdom from above to help me.

^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
found gene's present liao?
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
havne.~
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
diff thing . . it's .. sigh..
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
thinking of asking him out..
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
and shop with him
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
if can find a common timeslot with him
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
are u really that busy?
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
no lah.. but he's still working mah
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
so must find a night with him
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
actually i also dun know why..
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
mon, if i want, i can go for some night class with my friend.
tue, if i want, will be going to church prayer mtg.
wed, if i want, i will play tennis with friends,
fri, for this fri, going for a capella concert.
sat, meeting friends at 3pm , hmm think sat night will be nice to meet him.

e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
and i am also reserving time at home for typing assignment
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
hee
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
i think i am quite sad leh
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
ok u are really busy
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
i also dun know what am i doing..
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
y?
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
wat u mean?
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
i feel like i am trying to go for everything but yet unable to
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
hmm
^º*°©å£vïñ*º^ says:
wat are the everythings?
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
classes, prayer mtg, sports, fun and outings,
also trying to complete my typing, and my web, and other pple's web, and this and that..

also have to go buy some things for computer (router),
e.a.r.n.e.s.t.l.y -=if i am not responding, i'm away from my desk=- says:
the thing is,... very sadly, my day starts only at 10 plus

dun feel like writing

dun really feel like writing despites many thoughts while walking, eating and etc..
whenever i am in front of my blog, i get more concerned bout pple reading (if there's any). it's not nice to ans to anyone thru my blog.. erm.. well... though talking to pple thru blog is one of my initial motives.

maybe will start another blog.. (but i wouldn't want pple to stop knowing me, the raw, prob ugly me thru this site)

maybe i will have 2 blogs..

most importantly, i must have dreamerize.com to be up~

to many things to do with too little time. too much..

i am supposed to be on leave

i have a pact, that is to help him out if he dun know the ropes. but it's being misused.

"wah.. i very busy... you are coming back tmr right? you will collect the ic lor.. i am very busy."

okay.. you are busy.. as if i wasn't when i am on the job.

"sorry, i cannot settle your card cos i am busy, and i cannot find the SA.. for the past 4 days and last week"

yeah right, i am back for one afternoon and i finished it.

sigh.. temperance, is what i need now. i need more abilities to do things, such as to teach and handover. i really sux at it.


----

on the other note, interpreting was .. as usual.. but i shall not allow another usual to happen in May! well.. it's time to grow up Ernest.

a series of unfortunate events

a nice story which i am not capable of. with a character whom i wanted to be but cmi. and i am amazed with the inventions, wit and intelligence of the kids. it's worth watching but i wish i can witness the happily ever after ending. i am still a person who likes to have a nice ending.

on leave

yeap.. i have been on leave (generally) since chu san. but i haven't accomplished all that i have set for myself. mainly due to the fact that my computer is down. now that it is up.. i wish i can start off right.

lotsa of things to do and lotsa pple to go out with. choice is a matter. a whollistic life.. wow~ so admirable.

from today will i start, my progess report. i dun have much time left actually, only less than 1 month.

seek similar

heard that the opposites will compliment you and you will be happy togehter..

friends are/arne't as such? i am not sure.. wish that i can have friends who are similar and that we can think and act similarly.. or at least comfortable witht the ways they handle things..

i guess there are pple aroudn who are like me.. but well.. they are just not avail for me. ~

third time

well.. i guess it's just ernest.

37, 57, 70!

if car can jaydrive, i would have passed~...

actually, it feels really good to have HIM to fall back on in times of sadness. i am so glad, that today, after much struggles and and reflecitons.. i still can fall back on Someone.

i need a new phone plan

FREE INCOMING!!

too ambitious

i think i am too ambitious, trying to do and achieve things that are erm.. maybe beyong me..

i want to have a perfect dreamerize.com

i want to be proficient.. but can i?

sigh>~ try harder lor...

just a nice song...

i can't sleep
your ????
your words whirling inside my head
oh..
never knew it could be this bad

i was a fool
i play too cool
i tot i was all that you have, just me
never tot i can be so sad
it seems only yesterday

so happy we two
now just look at me,
alone and so blue

i was wrong , i admit it , wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me,
please come back to me.
i was wrong , i admit it , wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me,
please come back, come back, to me.


i pick up the phone
i call you home
my heart pounding hoping that you will say,
"it's ok , let;s try again"

i ????
i hesistate,
i dun know if you will giv eme that chance to say.,
"it's okay, let's try again"

there's so much i want to say,
for all that i have done
but when you come on the line
the words just wun come

i was wrong, i admin it. wo qiu ni hui lai
i am so sorry, please forgive me
please come back to me
i was wrong, i admin it, wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me,
please come back, come back, to me.

i know i'm wrong, and i ask for another chance
can we please try again.. .. .. .oh.. . i was wrong, i admit it, wo qiu ni hui lai,
i'm so sorry, please forgive me,
please come back to me.

i was wrong, i admit it , wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive em,
please come back, come back to me..

oh..

come back, please come back to me...

dun work too hard

so desu ne

to nigel, it's because I shouldn't be the one tellin him.
wilfred, i dun know what...
me? if i shouldn't be poking my nose, people, please dun ask me about it.

sO. i am just poking my nose into the wrong hole.. peng de yi bi zi hui...

honestly now,... i think,
1. it's just unfair.
2. i have headed the wrong direction.
3. what's my stand?

Man proposes

If God willing,

i will clear leave on 11th.
i will go roc on 28th mar
i will come back on 29 apr
i will ord on 5th may.

meanwhile,

i need God's help,

to be a better person
to be a better upperstudy
to have a better relationship with people
to be more tactful

---
i still have about 900 emails to filter and delete off.. sorry.. i mean 1200, forgot to include sent mail~.. need to hand over liao~

sun wukong

孙悟空


兵荒马乱五百年来没改变过
花果山下满天的烽火
人类累不累啊还在你争我夺
西天取经回来后 有没有人有读过

师父每年都会寄卡片来问候 五百张了算多不算多
看到卡片我都想起那段奋斗
金箍棒那么神勇 现在只能掏掏耳朵
齐天大圣是我 谁能奈何了我
但是我却依然不小心 败给了寂寞

如果要让我活 让我有希望的活(请给我快乐苦痛)
我从不怕爱错 就怕没爱过

如果能有一天 再一次重返光荣
记得找我 我的好朋友

听说悟净已经植发治好了秃头
有了论及婚嫁的女友
八戒这个猪头手机老是不通
好色本性多隽永 好像时间从来没走

西天取完了经 东边应该还有
夥伴们好不好 让我们 再拯救地球

handing over.. trying to

erm.. having been blogging.. let's try to summarise what happened.

handing down to my u/s.. but it's seemed to be quite stressful to handover also. i guess it's all pride that is killing me..

today maj lim and mr vincent send email to ALL in CCODIEPPE to say i am good.. erm.. well.. headswollen.. but give Him the glory.. it's Him who keeps me going. although i am still tryin hard to take my work to be just a normal thing, a vocation called to be in. and ryan.. erm.. having prob communicating with him lah.. guess he thinks that i dun like him.. but i am not. i just trying to tell him that he's not behaving erm.. very norm.. well.. guess he's from a diff culture having diff set of values..

yifei called me to ask me to tutor him for JC maths year 2. i was like.. "are you sure?" i guess he's really desparate liao. so i went to tutor him lor, givin him to to find a tutor meanwhile.. dun think will charge him money if it's only 1/2 lessons.. will treat it as a erm.. warranty service lor.. ( i taught him A maths for his Os)

erm.. realise i still have so many things to do before i handover.. why am i still doing them.. esh's early relase, liliang disruption, aaron's disruption, jason's signing on.. why am i doing them when i am exiting myself.. arhg.. dun know lah..
dun know if i can clear leave soon..

so, after my handtake with Annex A B C D, think i can make my exit.~

one day, i will write chucks of words

erm.. there's so much to write.. well, that's the characteristic of a melancholy at his highest state of kong xu~ hahaa=)

erm.. recently, will think twice before rambling in blog. cos i have been talking very casually here, so much so that my real intentions are often written wrongly. expressed inadequately etc.. and scare that i will stumble others.. =o

but will write soon. a memoir of life in hq guards.

sorry to francis | misunderstanding

first of all, sorry to francis for calling him a bad guy..

....

i am tinking if i should start to keep this blog to be a column, and not a journal.. i write with the intention of letting more pple understand me thru writings but i am often being mis-understood.

----

really want to have a nice yellow blog. but, erm.. unalbe and incapable to do so.. not much time left..

-----

more time in office nowadays.. but doesn't equate to more ways to interact and having happier times.. argh.. think i am such a noob.. =(

=====

time is running out.. amendments, erm.. too late.

diskhub is down

http://diskhub.com/diskhub/uploads/04-10-23/yellow2.gif failed me. hm... dun know what's chris doing with his www.diskhub.com

erm.. seems that both diskhub and filedeposit still not stable for longterm usage. haha..

well, uploaded to my own server now lor.. still dun know how to make full use of my own server.

actually have your own server and domain is quite economical. you get free POP email plus all the ad-free / pop-up free counters blah.. even forum programmes and shopping cart programme.. but, hm.. sadly, i think i am not makin full use of them.>~!

Jin Hui's FotoPage - - Fotopages.com

Jin Hui's FotoPage - - Fotopages.com

got to this page thru irwin's blog. and saw see guan in the picture.. hah.. he's 1 year my senior,. and his sec 2 class outing still con't..

hence, i should be more enthu bout dhssec2h'98.

some of them only turn up after 1-2 yrs...
then there r those who r overseas..
turns up (hopefully) only once a yr...

nothing ever changes...
the things we tok abt...
those were really the days...
the guys who never grow up...
the gers who r getting prettier by the day...

all of us put together...
we might not be the best of frens...
seldom see each other...
only chat online (if we bother to??haha)...
hardly share our joy or problems...
only share gossip...(plenty man!!)

i seriously dun noe how the others feel...
but to me...
nothing can replace them...
or the times we shared...
no matter how silly n ridiculous...

i would like to say the above. but i m quite guilty for not holding class outings for 2h. erm.. should i say, i have this bad habit. that is my confidence to be sociable within a group only lasts for 2 years.. erm.. well, maybe i should break my self-fulfiling prophesy.

quoting from yue'en

"...ALD…actually, I don’t mind answering the phone call, just that I can’t stand the attitude that was given to me. I DON’T like being commanded around like “Ernie come over here” for no rhyme or reason. Especially by someone who is junior to me"

hm.. well.. guess it's jsut naturally for people to feel pissed when being put in the same situation for too long. =) okie.. feeling much better now.

p/s: in case anyone dun know.. ernie refers to yue'en, not me.

handing over

hm.. trying to plan my handing over. but it seems so hard. erm... to many things to clear before handing over. however, dephin advised that i should be clearing those things with my understudy, so that he knows what's going on. but i think i should be doing them and let him start afresh..

but then again. whenever he's around, i am too occupied with some other matters to talk to him. other times, he's not around.

difficult.

well, to have a good successor is part of the duty of a predecessor.

recollections

realised that i havent been posting positive things.. most of the blog are just lamentation of the my days. is there a problem with it? i hope not.

firstly, i am assured that bad thoughts are just outlets to vent. remember someone saying this, "there's nothign wrong for evil thoughts to pass thru your minds, but it's wrong to let it grow in you." yeap.. that's the way i shoudl be working on -- to let bad thoughts simply fly thru me.~

2nd, i think it's just human nature to write when they have deep/sad/confusing thoughts. ya.. cos happy moments is simple. there's no explanation to happiness, it's just a sweet blissful feeling. simple and joyful.

---

u.john said something during the 1st shomerim mtg.. to start the year right... also to not let regrets happen again. easier said than done. =) ya.. but i should be trying. there's no way to be of any use of God but first to study His Word. okie.. strive harder. =)

---

.. lastly.. erm.. yeap , okie. shan't post my question, just my answer. i am not grown up, but i am definitely growing, jsut like all of them out there.

argh

i think i am supersensitive to the word flop, if i cannot detect any sense of humour in it.

again, i start to think that there are bad guys areoudn. but i also know that while thinking this, i am being a bad guy also. nvm, goign to repay the bad guy the way he will most want it.

forget it.. he's the number 1 person to delete from phonebook.

okay.. that's just rattling.. forget the above thoughts.~

i am sick

i am sick today.. 37.3 degree!! it's high fever to me lor. my normal body temnp is only 35.9. but that stupid incompetent doctor give me that "you are trying to chao keng" look.

argh.. think going to get some doctor to certify my normal body temp some day!

sian!! tmr not going to office.. taking off to rest. but then hor! aiayh.. still got some many things to call back and instruct them.. sian sian sian.. time to slack~

dinner with dixon

dixon called to have dinner with me on thurs night..
seemed that he has found a pretty good job, 5 day week, short travelling time . good for him.
brought me to this restaurant, fig n olive, at douby gaut. thanks to a kinda priviledged card he has, my meal costs only bout $7.50. not bad!

he talked a lot that night, erm.. seemed to have taught me years of maxim and experience. he likes to say "even.. you still have to..... So why not...." upon meetin, he told me and teach me, even showed me how to ask some girls out. i said no, but he used my hp to sms wanting. and tell me how to go about sms-ing her.

chilling out

"how nice will it be, to be a grown up, to be able to go to some pubs or hung out in the streets anytime i like with friends to talk to..", that's what i thougth last time. (in pri sch) and frankly speaking, i think i am of this age. this age where i can hang out anytime i like. but royston, yiwei etc (my pri sch best friends).. aren't there talking to me as often liao.

so i tot weiming, weixiong, eugene, drew and cal will be my best friends. weiming was telling his friend on the phone saying. " i am with my si2 dang3". wat a nice noun to term us. i am indeed honoured. but, there's still something lacking. weiming refuses to tell us bout her today. as usual, i kept quiet and leave the questioning to them. to of no avail. so i asked him again while walking back to mrt. so he explained, "i really cannot share this". so, i guess there's something that aren't right to share now. yes, i understand. guess cal and ming are close cos they alwyas hve this girls thing to talk bout. and i not spending enough time with them. well, it's just me. they are a bunch of F.R.I.E.N.D.S but i am jsut too ecentric.

i am worried, there's always this tendencies for me to get to knwo a group easily. but end up finding no sense of belonging and hence thrown into my self-illusioned depression. but, can i help it?

year 2005

orignally expected myself to crossover from 04 to 05 in the church, among many friends, sharing about all the blessings and bestowments from God for the past year. well, a change of plans, leading me to spend my new year's eve in the ops room, having a busy night entertaining calls and getting arrowed by many crabs here and there. no matter wat's the motive of this operation, i see that i am doing a good deed to those in indonesia in some ways. haah.. seriously, i think it's not a bad way to cross the year also. you dun need to be comfortable on the eve to set resolution. in fact, resolutions need not be set on the eve of the new year.

2004 has been quite fine for me. no change in job scope eversince. and i have been busy with things somehow in office. it's a busy year and yet a fast moving year. people come and go, esp when i am the one returning their pink ICs to them. i will say i have done my best in this vocation that my Lord has called me to assume. there's much that i can do better of cos, mainly to diseminate things better, to built a better team working together instead of the lop-sided situation today. but i have tried, nonetheless...

have i done my best for the Lord? i guess not. many struggles in sin and desires. but i have learnt to see Him carrying me thru.

2005, marks the year of change, not only for me but many people. for me, transition into a student is a challenge, esp when i 'discovered/convinced myself' that i am quite a poor learner. need a lot of help from God in chem engine next year. will be going to EX HN too, will be an eye-opener as well, i hope. and of cos, to hand over my job is a challenge. i wonder how many days do i have to take to finish my SOPs.

my bro will be having his N levels. i think he's grown up. in fact, i start to think that he's reaching his prime whereby learning is easy for him. was so glad/put to shame when he can remember u.isaac's lessons well. hope he knows where he's heading to.

liangkiang is going to complete his studies too? not sure. think so. Jiannan will be enlisting. Amos will be commissioning and starting his time in army as a regular. Jianjun will be takin his PSLE. shuping will transit from a teacher to a student. shuhui will be graduating(tho many will think it's even better if she can stay on to complete her honours) xiuyi also takin her Ns. meijie graduating.. so do daniel, followed by his enlistment.

Year Two Thousand and Five, is also going to end soon.. dun you think so?

Busy Ops

haven't been so busy, erm.. occupied is a better word. ya.. havent been so occupied in the ops room before. it's really like, erm.. okay, there is really an operation going on! called from indonesia and back, using statelites and comms.. complicated. really dun think i can sleep tonight.. and that's new year eve.~ =)

but actually, even if i am not on duty tonight, will still be called back for stuffs, likely. so, no complaints.. it's the best situation for me to be in, i guess...

New Year Resolution

-----Original Message-----
From: blurdreamer@yahoo.com [mailto:blurdreamer@yahoo.com]
Sent: December 31, 2004 1:07 AM
To: Caleb Yee
Subject: new year resolution

Caleb,
thanks for helping me. erm.. there's no sharing, then,
just read the last few para fo rme .thannk!

I have been looking forward to this year end meeting,
also the 1st anniversary meeting for Shomerim. indeed,
i think the Lord has been very kind to us and thank
God that it has been 1 year since Shomerim started.

I can still remember the message last year by u.john
we we were talking bout Demas, who had forsaken Paul
cos he had loved the present world. And U.J urged us,
to con't be on the Lord's side, not only now, but
years later. and he asked if we will still be in
church 5 years later. I am so glad that 1 year as
passed and many of us are still around. we will con;'t
to pray and bring them back, aren't we?

I truly thank God for the past year. it has been a
year of blessings. i've taken the step of faith n
courage to be baptized and i was very glad when my mom
was there to witness it. God also opened a way for me
to bring my brother to church. More imptly, God has
kept Edmund with us since then.

My resolution made was generally fulfilled but i din't
manage to keep to the OT readings, sad to say.

Actually i am quite worried about the coming year.
pray that God will lead me on.
So, what's for next year?
1. to be a Christian Student and do well in school.
2. to bring at least 1 friend to church.
3. to learn God's Word and study it, seriously! no
more nominal christian for me.
4. to con't being in church.

singapore could have sink..

can you see it! it's singapore is so blessed by God. we ought to thank God!

shomerim christmas condo

so glad that weixiong came and has actually expressed interests to know more bout the Lord. i better do some following up

it's another night of tonning.. and this time, with chats and discussion. learnt a lot about them. and also start to fall into my dark pit of sadness and insecurity. again, and yes, again, having that kind of feeling that i am transforming into a good for nothing. it's a known fact to me but just reinforced. i know i am fortunate already, and yes i truly thank God for helping me all these years. He is indeed so gracious to allow me to been thru years. reflecting back, i really din't do much.. and wouldn't have deserved anythign at all. aiayh.. nvm..

talking crap

to blog or not to blog

as mentioned to huishi some time ago.. it's really weird to blog my entries online and let everyone seeing what am i writing or thinking. it's like an exposed diary. but i guess, so often when i write something in my diary, they are just contents which i wish i can tell someone but couldn;t find one who may be interested or have to time to spare for me or watever.. so, if someone is free enough and kay-po enough about me, just let them know me lor. haha.. okay, i am exposing myself too much and it seemed to have undermined my esteem.. but.. well... that's the way it is now lor (till i change my blog to something more confi)

but there's still many things that i cannot say in this blog. it doesn't happen often, but today is one such case.

blogcraze dtd 120904

why-blog dtd 190904

i cant blog like this anymore dtd 210504


blogging dtd 080204

not blogging dtd 130104

king of flop

not sure if i will strike again~ i dun know. maybe i am just bad at it.

Christmas Eve

the eve of our Savior's birth
the time of fulfilment
the night when the wise men seek
to seek for the One True King.

two thousand years later
things seemed to get better
lights on streets shine brighter
and goods sold at a price much dearer

it's so quiet in the office today
all of them seeking fun out there
i dun wish to be part if this silence
neither do i wish to part of the busy fair

so much time in hand
also so much things on hand
so many people to think of
so little capital to spare

never have been crappier than this
never wish to be pseudo poetic
just that i feel quite lost and lonely
in this festive season of joy

bad 'omen'

you know, many times i will somehow still do things against God even there's this little voice telling me that NO! you cannot do this!. after which, there's always immense regrets and followed by a series of events which make me feel that God is not happy and in ways chastening me. really. it's a very bad feeling and you just think that all things planned will not work out.

i hate myself whenever i gave in.

Firefox

busy dec

december is such a busy month, both in activities and work.

of cos i am glad to have friends and activities. birthdays, treats, christmas.

i am at home now. haven taken 0.5(am) off cos yesterday night was celebrating nicole's birthday. before i sleep, i even set the alarm clock at 1015 incase i couldn't wake up in time. but then? i woke up at 720! sian!~ tot can nuah in the bed.

work has been really disastrously. really. i seemed to have so much to do. or is it me only? i know all in the office have a lot to do but it seems that for the month of dec, i have really a lot. despite have 2 helpers but seems that erm... not much of a help. the main reason, i think, is that i am not letting them to do things independantly. have been giving specific instructions. also, have to find time to teach ryan. handing over is much more difficult than i think. God help me.

think i am getting more mrs seet's nerve recently. sigh.. dun know how to rectify also. the rest are always disturbing me when i need to work. and they dun disturb me when i want to play.

really feel like spending OT for a day. to clear ALL the crap. maybe i will feel happier.

yesterday RO has problem, (cos wendy called me in the mornign) sigh.. why !

NO TIME~!

whining

for all who thinks that i am whining too much.. well. this is the place for me to whine~.,, i need to.

flop with my interpretation today. actually i knew i would, it's my preparation and also the state of mind. more importantly, i really din't commit myself and my work to the Lord. i must strive to serve Him with the right heart.

it brings me to a deeper state of self-belittling. or should i say a further realisation/ expression that i am really quite a bum. nth worthy, little capability. i am just a fortunate person blessed by the Lord, not really with talents/abilities, but with the situation/surroundings to bring me to what i am today. i always appear to be, but i am not. i tend to be what i am not too. i am just a facade, a false impression. i am such a bum.

and i agree, i am too self-conscious. always thinking that pple are saying/commenting/criticising me. shux. this is not good. it just shows that i am after men's assessment and not God. Lord, please help me to live for Thee and not any men on earth.

Lord, even if i will con't to be a bum, teach me to be concerned about being useful to You. this is diff, but, .. . .nvm.

ocean's twelve

Blog?: "Hmm watched 'Ocean's Twelve' during nights off... Didn't really understand the show... Probably because i never watched 'Ocean's Eleven'... Somemore some of the words they said wasn't really audible an there were no subtitles as well... Needed a AAR among us before we get a rough idea of what actually happened in the movie... But those are only guesses and deductions... No one really knew what was going on... Haha... Worst still one of us fell asleep throughout the show... " --what weilun thinks of O12. =)

concert under the sky

went to this concert at bluemoo@ymca by the a capella group - budak pantai (beach boys). we paid 10 bucks each for entrance, 2 cups of drinks and a snack, and not forgeting the wonderful performance put up by them.

it's indeed a performance driven and powered by passion alone. yes.. only passion can bring them this far, to give their time for practice outside their dayjob. the way they enjoy on the stage brings joy to all the audience. =)

linqin seemed to like them a lot. well, it's understandable as she loves singing as much as they do. =) she's trying to start her own a cappella grp. all the best to her. this reminds of me the bands they have in JC/sch school.. "elements of sound" etc.. haha.. guess this is part of growing up. to dabble with exciting things that thrill us~

there's humour in the concert, the things they said and implied. humour is a quality so captivating. =)

all in all, enjoy my night on the roof top of ymca building, under the blue sky, cool weather, nice music and romantic ambience. =)

Corgito ergo sum the one

Corgito ergo sum the one

have been reading his blog for some time. but i tot it's not nice/no need to put his link in my blog..

nv did i believe that i am actually still reading his blog now and then.. =) wel... just blabbering..

chris, take care~

Ocean's Twelve

i din't watch ocean's eleven. and i must say i was quite lost during the first part of the movie. it seems that they assume most of the audience will have watched it's prequel. =) nvm.. i guess i have another feeling watching. i have more to guess and more to find out.~

as usual, it's a movie with missing parts thruout the movie until the last part. it is always the case for this kind of movie. they have to hide things from all of us, and reveal them only at the ending. it creates a false impression that there's much plot and ingenius idea going on.. but, erm.. in fact, not exactly.

buti guess this kind of movie appeals to me (an intellect wannabe). haha.. jiwei says that the movie sux cos he dun understand it. well, i guess i dun understand some parts of it.. but i like it. i like to be triggered to think. well, i have mentioned, i am just an intellect wannabe.

everytime after watching such shows, i just like to read more and wish that i can be informed and well-versed. i am such a wannabe. =(

frustration

i am seriously very very pissed. and i seriously think that i am a noob~ an ultimate bloody stupid guy...

www.dreamerize.com.. all can go in. except for ME!~!!!!!!!!

freakign!!!!!
sux..

dec hols - church camp

I ought to have written this post some time ago but was procrasinating. Hope i can still remember what i wanted to say previously~

This is my 2nd church camp in Tabernacle. I must say that the feeling is totally different. Last year, i am in the "try to know you guys" stage. This year, i am glad that it's "wish to know you guys better" stage.

As much as i wish to enjoy the camp, i must say that the swelling on my right hand did affect my enjoyment. feel rather restricted. especially during the 1st night and 2nd day, when i am running a fever. Hence couldn't enjoy the messages the way i should. =(
but also because of the swell, i have the "care and concern" from many pple. hehhe.. as what josiah will say, i'm back to my "honeymoon period" in tab. haha.. Thanks GuyS!~

was appointed to be the Log IC but i felt that i din't do much in the end. in fact, i do think a number of miscalculation and poor planning took place.. sigh.. but felt very supportive from all the help that i receive.~ hehe. =) thanks again.

revival? erm.. i guess not much for this camp. but it's a camp of self-discovery and resolution setting for me. the serene and away-from-the-world environment set me into much thoughts about the life thus far as a christian and the years to come. also, it's the 2nd camp where my bro is with me. I can still remember the recent Jun Camp when i first brought him to our midst. I was praying hard that he will accept the Lord. Indeed, thank God for touching his heart. This time, it's the first time having a Christian brother with me in the camp. .. hm.. this time i pray that both of us will con't to grow in the Lord and...

Be Strong, Be Strong, Be Strong in the Lord....

it's a blessing from God that we/i can participate in the camp and i truly thank God for it.~

down...

things seemed to get a little out of hand for the past 1 week. it all started even before the church camp. the last few days before the church camp. after it, and erm.. hopefully things will get to to normal (comfortable arrangement) again. . .

time to rattle..

after of thinking and examples in life, i start to think that i am quite a unteacheable person. really.. in fact, my confidence is rock-bottomed when i realise this truth about myself. i have terribly short learning concentration and little interests in things. yes.. i mean things.. all things,.. all things that take more than a while to learn i stopped. no wonder i haven't learnt any. i tot things that aren't learnt in short time meaning that it's not meant for me. but little did i realise that it's because i didn't put in effort. it's really sukky to know that after many years, i have not kicked this idiotic habit - quitting.

so, how? do i still have time to catch up with the things that i ought to learn. yes, i should start to,.. ya.. redeem my time. also to redeem money (cos i think i am spending too much too.~ sian)

okay... am i feeling better>? no i dun think so. i start to imagine what's it is like to be in prison. it;s the ordeal of being trapped. being trapped in place and time such that thigns go on without you in the picture. and you are literally robbed of time. you feel so empty and start to feel lost.. no one can help. NO ONE. and,.. for me.. well, my SIM isn't getting signal yet..

partly, it's because i have made poor planning. i have failed to make time for God. jay chou's concert on the 27 Nov (it;s good, but shall comment next time).. is so close to 29-3Dec. how can i actually agreed to watch it!! it's terribly frustrating to realise that you dun have your saturday night for preparation. erm.. actually, this is very minor. one sat cannot do a lot but i just feel that it's a wrong decision made.

so, why am i still feeling lousy? maybe it's the swollen during the camp.. sian~ cannot play the things or enjoy as much. but again~!! i realise that it's also becuase of my attitude. in fact, it becomes a reason for me to deceive myself...
one reason why God gave me a brother. that is to give me a mirror. and i am everything that he
is.. the behaviours, attitude, characters, all that i disliked have the actual characteristic that i am having. unable to express myself well, unable to speak at the right time, unable to speak up, unable to stay calm, attention seeking, persistance in learning, the urge to learn. i stammer in front of doctors, stop playing things just because i am not winning, stop learning things that is outside textbooks, dun speak according to occasions, no dress sense, sigh...

dun know.. acutally my depression is coming back.. dun know why? all of a sudden. maybe cos of the mediciene. haha. dun know lah.. well.. it's time, it happens once every stage of life.. i know it's God asking me to turn to Him. yes.. been relyin on myself and full of myself for too long. too egoistic. too self conscious.

yes, this is just a complain. i dun know who can help... i dun expect any too..maybe only i can help myself, with God's help of cos.

edmund shares with a.ke that he has communicaiton problem wiht me. erm.. is it true? i ans yes initially, and start to think and pray that it will improve. after some time, i start to think that it isn't a prob. it's just the way it is. everyone will wish to be like meijie-nick, honghao-bohao. but can it be? i will have a brother so close too.. it's definitely something to be worked on. but let's tell myself that it's not something that is very bad. it's jsut okay.. maybe.. . . or maybe it's because that 2 people of the same problemS as listed above coming together will produce such results lor..

very sian liao.. happier entry later i hope