WEB HOSTING ON DELICATED SERVER haha.. web hosting on a delicated server.. erm.. delicated? or do they mean dedicated? =)
anyway, http://www.filedeposit.com another SIMILAR site... even the layout.. so.. haha.. guess some 'piracy' has been involved..
i guess it is very hard to stop ideas from being plagerized. anything can be taken advantage and improved on.. who's right and who is wrong?
still, it's a good site for blogger template makers.. finally, a free image/sound webhost! and no registration is required.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
doing duty again..
yeah.. doing duty again.. in the ops room.. that lt alex and damien are playing fifa on psII outside, using the projector, cool sia.. damn big screen and sound. ~ but as usual, i am not into the game, mainly cos i dun know how to play.. 2ndly dun think i know how to play with people.. forget it. ..
i lost mrs seet's tuperware! argh.. she gave me on the 23 jun so that i can have somehting to eat during my duty then, but alas, i forgot to bring back, and the next duty clerk threw it away! eh how? so paiseh.. she's so nice to me and i.. sigh.. see how i can make up to her.
realise my course will only be avail in end aug, that's so long. sian.. but just take it easy.. watever will be will be....
will be great if i have somehting for me to blog anytime. most of the time when i have thoughts is when i am travelling or in midst of work. but at the end of the day.. nothing came into my mind..
and yes.. this page layout is so suxxy and i cann't stand it.. have to do somehtign ..
i lost mrs seet's tuperware! argh.. she gave me on the 23 jun so that i can have somehting to eat during my duty then, but alas, i forgot to bring back, and the next duty clerk threw it away! eh how? so paiseh.. she's so nice to me and i.. sigh.. see how i can make up to her.
realise my course will only be avail in end aug, that's so long. sian.. but just take it easy.. watever will be will be....
will be great if i have somehting for me to blog anytime. most of the time when i have thoughts is when i am travelling or in midst of work. but at the end of the day.. nothing came into my mind..
and yes.. this page layout is so suxxy and i cann't stand it.. have to do somehtign ..
~
yeah.. doing duty again.. in the ops room.. that lt alex and damien are playing fifa on psII outside, using the projector, cool sia.. damn big screen and sound. ~ but as usual, i am not into the game, mainly cos i dun know how to play.. 2ndly dun think i know how to play with people.. forget it. ..
i lost mrs seet's tuperware! argh.. she gave me on the 23 jun so that i can have somehting to eat during my duty then, but alas, i forgot to bring back, and the next duty clerk threw it away! eh how? so paiseh.. she's so nice to me and i.. sigh.. see how i can make up to her.
i lost mrs seet's tuperware! argh.. she gave me on the 23 jun so that i can have somehting to eat during my duty then, but alas, i forgot to bring back, and the next duty clerk threw it away! eh how? so paiseh.. she's so nice to me and i.. sigh.. see how i can make up to her.
tekong trip
4visited tekong on last Thursday, for despatch. as usual i will give wah wah and william a call to see if they are free to for a meal or something.. wah wah in field camp.. so, too bad.. missed him again. but manage to get william out for a short chat at sch 2 canteen. . .
din't really get to know him very well. the time whereby got to talk to him the most was during sec 3/4 when he had his MEP and i have my art lesson... will always wait for him to go home together. my impression of him formed then. but while chatting with him, wwel... erm.. find him weird. either he has changed or i haven't know him well enough.
he seems to be busy with his work. guess there's much for him to do, esp while lotsa RnD comes into the picture. he asked "how are you" and ask if i okay with my work. i claimed to be busy as well.. but guess he thinks that he is busier, with more responsiblities and stress.. yes, it's not easy to be a PC. to be a young nsf PC somemore. i agree.. if i have felt similar in my situation, what about him..
but i just want to say... to him and myself that no matter how bad the situation is, 1. take comfort that God is with us. 2. we are not alone. there is definitely someone out there having similar problems as us. also struggling with his work/situation.
=)
din't really get to know him very well. the time whereby got to talk to him the most was during sec 3/4 when he had his MEP and i have my art lesson... will always wait for him to go home together. my impression of him formed then. but while chatting with him, wwel... erm.. find him weird. either he has changed or i haven't know him well enough.
he seems to be busy with his work. guess there's much for him to do, esp while lotsa RnD comes into the picture. he asked "how are you" and ask if i okay with my work. i claimed to be busy as well.. but guess he thinks that he is busier, with more responsiblities and stress.. yes, it's not easy to be a PC. to be a young nsf PC somemore. i agree.. if i have felt similar in my situation, what about him..
but i just want to say... to him and myself that no matter how bad the situation is, 1. take comfort that God is with us. 2. we are not alone. there is definitely someone out there having similar problems as us. also struggling with his work/situation.
=)
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
HRC
yes.. weiwen, i am blogging bout office again.. happie? =)
mrs seet said, it's almost confirmed that she will be going to HRC, and discom cc will be coming over to be my cc. and i will stay in cco to handle active. hm.. this will start in dec. i guess it may be good, time to change and time to have a new environment and new challenge. hopefully by then, my pay will increase haha.. i have submit my nomination for the acc cse.. hope it will not be too late to promote. =)
new guy in office, 1985, sajc, and yes.. he's capable or should i say assertive. guess my first impression has been formed. felt "intimidated". NO, it is not becos of what mrs seet says about "yi shan bu neng chang er hu". it is because, he's decisive, that's the exact opposite of me. so, erm.. i am you can say impressed, at the same time, too slow to react to his behavior. i mean, i dun knwo how to get along with people who are decisive. cos i will not be able to put my idea thru them...
maybe this is a way God is answering my prayers. i asked Him to help me to be humble and teach me how to behave in office, maybe this is His will. it's time for me to take a back seat and let darrell runs the stuffs.. yeap, maybe this is it, and this is the solution for me to stop ostracising myself. maybe.. ???
mrs seet said, it's almost confirmed that she will be going to HRC, and discom cc will be coming over to be my cc. and i will stay in cco to handle active. hm.. this will start in dec. i guess it may be good, time to change and time to have a new environment and new challenge. hopefully by then, my pay will increase haha.. i have submit my nomination for the acc cse.. hope it will not be too late to promote. =)
new guy in office, 1985, sajc, and yes.. he's capable or should i say assertive. guess my first impression has been formed. felt "intimidated". NO, it is not becos of what mrs seet says about "yi shan bu neng chang er hu". it is because, he's decisive, that's the exact opposite of me. so, erm.. i am you can say impressed, at the same time, too slow to react to his behavior. i mean, i dun knwo how to get along with people who are decisive. cos i will not be able to put my idea thru them...
maybe this is a way God is answering my prayers. i asked Him to help me to be humble and teach me how to behave in office, maybe this is His will. it's time for me to take a back seat and let darrell runs the stuffs.. yeap, maybe this is it, and this is the solution for me to stop ostracising myself. maybe.. ???
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
pride of life
yes, i noe. i should not love this world, neither the things in this world.
and also pride in earthly things is not a good thing either, but many times,
we like to claim credit for things we do and for things visible. it is easy
to do good deeds and have good characteristics etc, but it difficult to do
it with the right attitude and state of mind. it is hard to do it with the
right motive / should i say, without any motive.
i guess i have done too much good things with the wrong motives... how? can
i make amendments?
and also pride in earthly things is not a good thing either, but many times,
we like to claim credit for things we do and for things visible. it is easy
to do good deeds and have good characteristics etc, but it difficult to do
it with the right attitude and state of mind. it is hard to do it with the
right motive / should i say, without any motive.
i guess i have done too much good things with the wrong motives... how? can
i make amendments?
Friday, June 18, 2004
church camp (14-18 jun)
there's much for me to share. mt ophir trip, shomerim, church camp etc..
before i forget about all my random thoughts in camp.. let me blog them
down....
well, jiannan says there're many first-times in this camp. namely him being
a group leader, for the 1st time. erm.. yes yes yes.. there's many
first-times. and it's my first time joining you guys in jun camp. it's my
first time bring my brother to tabernacle community. it's my first time
hearing my brother saying he believes in Him. and the list will just go on
and on..
all in all, the most difficult and important thing in my mind thruout the
camp is my brother. i am so worried that he's going to feel bored. i am so
scared that he might blaspheme God. towards the end of the day, i will think
of him, wondering if he will accept the Lord. at the same time, i am trying
to prepare my heart, cos if he's going to trust in the Lord, i am going to
have a bigger challenge. I have to be my brother's keeper. i was timid and
weak but now, i have to be strong, i have to be stronger than my brother to
lead him in the light. worst of all, i have to help me to gain acceptance
with my father, if he's going to have the courage to confess. (meanwhile,
i'm reluctant (in a sense) for the day to come, cos i cannot imagine what my
father will react if he finds out that i bring my bro to church etc.. I
know, being afraid is no reason for me to falter and taking up this
challenge. i need a lot a lot of prayers, to grant me wisdom and ability to
teach my brother.
----you should have realise that i am really incoherrent here.., paiseh---
in the camp, i felt the importance of God's Word. never felt so indequate
with my bible knowledge before. i was too contented with whatever i knew
last time. thank God for giving me the crave for His Word, at least at this
moment. as i have shared the last night, it is God's Word that you will feel
the presense of God, that He is always by your side. it is also the wisdom
to minister unto others.. (like teaching my bro)..
Forum With Buddy.
=============
really learnt a lot. not in terms of knowing what's the stand of God's Word
regards these worldly issues. becuase i think all of us know the
ideal/correct answers even before discussion. but i have learnt from the
young ones. (okay okay.. i am the old one liao) my buddy were Carlos, Boon
how and Josiah. Talking to Boonhow makes me feel so ashamed of myself that
they actually have a stronger convictions than many of my peers. This is the
bad thing bout age, the older you get the cleverer with the ways to justify
your own wrong doings. HongJie, (my contentment grp member) has shown me how
precious is the childlike faith in the Lord.
Concert Item Preparation
=================
in this, i find myself so much in love/connected to this world. my thoughts,
design, "creativity" is so accustomed to the world. it's not my first time
preparing concert item. i have done it so often in CCAs etc.. naturally ,
this time, i came up with my funny, entertaining (if you tink so) script,
targetting to gain the laughters of all.. shuhui then propose putting
actions into the song and have a moral in our presentation (it's impt to
look at the lyrics when singing hymes). at first, i confess, i felt that
it's so common already. i have heard you guys talking bout your previous
concert items and i think that shuhui's idea is so alike with the norms..
but later, i felt otherwise, i have realised that it's a church camp(love
not the world), hence, the Word of God comes first. it's better to learn of
His precious lessons than to have empty laughter which profit not our souls.
and anyway, my grp Contentment won!!
Preparing of Camp Book
=================
if you have all realised, it's designed to be like a magazine. after some
time, i felt so guilty about it. it's like having a worldly design for a
"love not the world" camp. but i guess it is the heart the matters. i have
put too much pride in my own work. i confess, i was very proud of my work
and this pride has caused me to feel so bad now. may i truely and sincere,
with the grace of God, be able to say in my heart "Thank God, for i couldn't
have done it without him".
Quarter Master
==========
hm.. haha.. erm.. well.. i can jus say, i thank the following for helping
so much that i dun think i did ever work at all.
joelson - being an enthusiatic fellow qm
shuping - for shopping for me, with all the food and groceries
lingqin - for helping me to shop, in particular with the fruits and
neccessities
caleb (though he has expensive tastes) - for shopping with us and carry our
shopping to u.john plc
a. keturah - for bring much things from home for our use.
u. isaac - for transporting our big NTUC plastic bagS to u. john's place.
u. john - for allowing us to store our barang barang at his house.
jeshua and javan - for providing entertainment while shopping. and also for
their KEENNESS to help. =)
before i forget about all my random thoughts in camp.. let me blog them
down....
well, jiannan says there're many first-times in this camp. namely him being
a group leader, for the 1st time. erm.. yes yes yes.. there's many
first-times. and it's my first time joining you guys in jun camp. it's my
first time bring my brother to tabernacle community. it's my first time
hearing my brother saying he believes in Him. and the list will just go on
and on..
all in all, the most difficult and important thing in my mind thruout the
camp is my brother. i am so worried that he's going to feel bored. i am so
scared that he might blaspheme God. towards the end of the day, i will think
of him, wondering if he will accept the Lord. at the same time, i am trying
to prepare my heart, cos if he's going to trust in the Lord, i am going to
have a bigger challenge. I have to be my brother's keeper. i was timid and
weak but now, i have to be strong, i have to be stronger than my brother to
lead him in the light. worst of all, i have to help me to gain acceptance
with my father, if he's going to have the courage to confess. (meanwhile,
i'm reluctant (in a sense) for the day to come, cos i cannot imagine what my
father will react if he finds out that i bring my bro to church etc.. I
know, being afraid is no reason for me to falter and taking up this
challenge. i need a lot a lot of prayers, to grant me wisdom and ability to
teach my brother.
----you should have realise that i am really incoherrent here.., paiseh---
in the camp, i felt the importance of God's Word. never felt so indequate
with my bible knowledge before. i was too contented with whatever i knew
last time. thank God for giving me the crave for His Word, at least at this
moment. as i have shared the last night, it is God's Word that you will feel
the presense of God, that He is always by your side. it is also the wisdom
to minister unto others.. (like teaching my bro)..
Forum With Buddy.
=============
really learnt a lot. not in terms of knowing what's the stand of God's Word
regards these worldly issues. becuase i think all of us know the
ideal/correct answers even before discussion. but i have learnt from the
young ones. (okay okay.. i am the old one liao) my buddy were Carlos, Boon
how and Josiah. Talking to Boonhow makes me feel so ashamed of myself that
they actually have a stronger convictions than many of my peers. This is the
bad thing bout age, the older you get the cleverer with the ways to justify
your own wrong doings. HongJie, (my contentment grp member) has shown me how
precious is the childlike faith in the Lord.
Concert Item Preparation
=================
in this, i find myself so much in love/connected to this world. my thoughts,
design, "creativity" is so accustomed to the world. it's not my first time
preparing concert item. i have done it so often in CCAs etc.. naturally ,
this time, i came up with my funny, entertaining (if you tink so) script,
targetting to gain the laughters of all.. shuhui then propose putting
actions into the song and have a moral in our presentation (it's impt to
look at the lyrics when singing hymes). at first, i confess, i felt that
it's so common already. i have heard you guys talking bout your previous
concert items and i think that shuhui's idea is so alike with the norms..
but later, i felt otherwise, i have realised that it's a church camp(love
not the world), hence, the Word of God comes first. it's better to learn of
His precious lessons than to have empty laughter which profit not our souls.
and anyway, my grp Contentment won!!
Preparing of Camp Book
=================
if you have all realised, it's designed to be like a magazine. after some
time, i felt so guilty about it. it's like having a worldly design for a
"love not the world" camp. but i guess it is the heart the matters. i have
put too much pride in my own work. i confess, i was very proud of my work
and this pride has caused me to feel so bad now. may i truely and sincere,
with the grace of God, be able to say in my heart "Thank God, for i couldn't
have done it without him".
Quarter Master
==========
hm.. haha.. erm.. well.. i can jus say, i thank the following for helping
so much that i dun think i did ever work at all.
joelson - being an enthusiatic fellow qm
shuping - for shopping for me, with all the food and groceries
lingqin - for helping me to shop, in particular with the fruits and
neccessities
caleb (though he has expensive tastes) - for shopping with us and carry our
shopping to u.john plc
a. keturah - for bring much things from home for our use.
u. isaac - for transporting our big NTUC plastic bagS to u. john's place.
u. john - for allowing us to store our barang barang at his house.
jeshua and javan - for providing entertainment while shopping. and also for
their KEENNESS to help. =)
Saturday, June 12, 2004
naration
i feel like blogging with more ingenuity.. meaning, more transparent, and
risking to expose more of myself.. yah.. at least going to be narrative more
a few days.. till i get my sanity and emotional curve gradient hit dee y dee
x = zero and becomes positive...
i shall have 倒叙文。。。
i din take a bus home tonight.. i walked to 7eleven, bought a big gulp,
mixing 100plus with coke.. and walk back.. took a stoll, a relative slow
walk.. back home.. with thoughts running thru my head.. the coke was to make
me happier.. (i always think that eating/consumption can make me feel
happy.. when i am sad, i look for food.. with the hope that something on my
tongue can make me happier..
good stroll i guess. make me calm.. and gave me time to reflect..
before that had a movie with rms and dki. let's talk bout movie first..
The Best Bet 突然发财
it was originally last on my list.. and it remained to be last on my list if
i had a choice.. basically it's like talkingcock.com, dude where's my car
which runs on a filmsy plot, with the emphasis on the language and the
connotation in the dialogues.. it's 60% hockien, of cos i have no prob with
that.. haha.. but i do prefer some other movie with a plot/story.
with regards to my outing with rms and dki, i realise how much have i missed
out during my days of self isolation. rms said something very true to me
last time, "ernest, you are ostracising yourself".
i have mentality of "if you dun tell me, i will not ask, even if i am
interested. if you treat me as a friend, you will tell me automatically". i
also thought that "as long as you are willing to talk about the topic in
front of me to another friend, i will think that you have given me enough
recognition to be your friend."
i think i am wrong, and i have written before, if you dun ask, they will not
tell.. you must show interests before people share things with you... last
time, when wm and vin talk about their closetted juicy stories, i acted
indifferently. result? after some time, i have missed out so much info to
catch up.. and to make conversation with them.. forever, i am the odd one
out.. the stranger among a group.
remember this incident, about i month ago, when i met Joel at TM. talk to
him for a while, trying to be as friendly / chatty as possible (cos he's my
friend, a friend whom i dun even talk occassionally, just cos he's wah2's
good friend and wm's good friend.) joel asked me, :"how's wm and janice?:"
apparently, he thinks that wm, whom supposed to be my friend (afterall, i
have known him for more than one third of my life) will tell me about
janice. so, what am i supposed to answer? i just simply answer him with what
i know thru weixiong's conversation with wm. yes.. this is me, i dun get
information, people dun tell me, i so-called evedropped. i really dun think
i evedrop, cos ahem, (being optismistic) wm will share with me if i ask him
just that i dun ahve the face and character and behavior for him to talk to
me about these stuffs..
i am alwasy like that, i dun get to know things cos people tell me, i just
get to hear them talking.. and yes.. it happens, with them, with cco, with
work, with church even. you can say i have a high ability to receive stray
signals....
i really dun know how much will this behavior cost me. for sure, it is this
observation of mine which teaches me almost everything i knwo in cco now.
tian didn't teach me much, i just watch and see.. (okay.. i am narrating
this too much from my OWN perspective.) i bet someone else will think
otherwise from me..
so, now, knowing that i have missed out that much,.. how to catch up...
--
went for despatch, using dennis' car, to cmpb and to house recce eugene's
house.. but guess what? i FLOP seriously! i was supposed to deliver his pink
ic, and i did bring it along.. have to drive back and take.. wtf.. what am i
doing? ! and i still have the cheek to email CPC for my ACC course..
--
was busy before my despatch, runnign up and down.. it's always when i cannot
be in camp that there's so much for me to tend to.. and wong called me to
ask for a subjust title for RO msg.. well. .not ath i dun wan to help., but
i can't see the physical RO, hence cannot help with proficiency.. but he's
improving, thanks to rms always giving him chance to be independant. unlike
me who keep doing it for him.. pros and cons shown here..
and i think jj is another one who is getting a bit reliant on me.. hope it's
jus my halucination..
well.. during ippt conducting this moring, i went up to fred asking him
questions, absoluting forgetting what happen the past few days.. so
conclusion? it's easy to let go bad thigns if you are just willing.
relalyi.. but too bad that he's cautious over it. since, i realise that what
had happen isnt really at the back of my mind, i shouldn't be giving myself
trouble. (afterall, my heavenly Father have forgive and bear with me for so
long, i should treat all my neighbors well as instructed by Him). hence,
didn't go for breakfast with mrs seet.. guess i need time to socialise with
my fellow NSFs.. but.. sigh.. fred actually bought breakfast for jason.. and
the question was asked last night.. so.. things are clear.. anyway, he
slept his day thru for as long as i remember.. i left office at 1430..
**nope i am not directing any implication or criticism here.. it's a
naration of events.. !!!
and i strongly concur with dki, if only i dun take cab, i think my life will
be much happier.. yesh.. i wan to quite cabbing.
risking to expose more of myself.. yah.. at least going to be narrative more
a few days.. till i get my sanity and emotional curve gradient hit dee y dee
x = zero and becomes positive...
i shall have 倒叙文。。。
i din take a bus home tonight.. i walked to 7eleven, bought a big gulp,
mixing 100plus with coke.. and walk back.. took a stoll, a relative slow
walk.. back home.. with thoughts running thru my head.. the coke was to make
me happier.. (i always think that eating/consumption can make me feel
happy.. when i am sad, i look for food.. with the hope that something on my
tongue can make me happier..
good stroll i guess. make me calm.. and gave me time to reflect..
before that had a movie with rms and dki. let's talk bout movie first..
The Best Bet 突然发财
it was originally last on my list.. and it remained to be last on my list if
i had a choice.. basically it's like talkingcock.com, dude where's my car
which runs on a filmsy plot, with the emphasis on the language and the
connotation in the dialogues.. it's 60% hockien, of cos i have no prob with
that.. haha.. but i do prefer some other movie with a plot/story.
with regards to my outing with rms and dki, i realise how much have i missed
out during my days of self isolation. rms said something very true to me
last time, "ernest, you are ostracising yourself".
i have mentality of "if you dun tell me, i will not ask, even if i am
interested. if you treat me as a friend, you will tell me automatically". i
also thought that "as long as you are willing to talk about the topic in
front of me to another friend, i will think that you have given me enough
recognition to be your friend."
i think i am wrong, and i have written before, if you dun ask, they will not
tell.. you must show interests before people share things with you... last
time, when wm and vin talk about their closetted juicy stories, i acted
indifferently. result? after some time, i have missed out so much info to
catch up.. and to make conversation with them.. forever, i am the odd one
out.. the stranger among a group.
remember this incident, about i month ago, when i met Joel at TM. talk to
him for a while, trying to be as friendly / chatty as possible (cos he's my
friend, a friend whom i dun even talk occassionally, just cos he's wah2's
good friend and wm's good friend.) joel asked me, :"how's wm and janice?:"
apparently, he thinks that wm, whom supposed to be my friend (afterall, i
have known him for more than one third of my life) will tell me about
janice. so, what am i supposed to answer? i just simply answer him with what
i know thru weixiong's conversation with wm. yes.. this is me, i dun get
information, people dun tell me, i so-called evedropped. i really dun think
i evedrop, cos ahem, (being optismistic) wm will share with me if i ask him
just that i dun ahve the face and character and behavior for him to talk to
me about these stuffs..
i am alwasy like that, i dun get to know things cos people tell me, i just
get to hear them talking.. and yes.. it happens, with them, with cco, with
work, with church even. you can say i have a high ability to receive stray
signals....
i really dun know how much will this behavior cost me. for sure, it is this
observation of mine which teaches me almost everything i knwo in cco now.
tian didn't teach me much, i just watch and see.. (okay.. i am narrating
this too much from my OWN perspective.) i bet someone else will think
otherwise from me..
so, now, knowing that i have missed out that much,.. how to catch up...
--
went for despatch, using dennis' car, to cmpb and to house recce eugene's
house.. but guess what? i FLOP seriously! i was supposed to deliver his pink
ic, and i did bring it along.. have to drive back and take.. wtf.. what am i
doing? ! and i still have the cheek to email CPC for my ACC course..
--
was busy before my despatch, runnign up and down.. it's always when i cannot
be in camp that there's so much for me to tend to.. and wong called me to
ask for a subjust title for RO msg.. well. .not ath i dun wan to help., but
i can't see the physical RO, hence cannot help with proficiency.. but he's
improving, thanks to rms always giving him chance to be independant. unlike
me who keep doing it for him.. pros and cons shown here..
and i think jj is another one who is getting a bit reliant on me.. hope it's
jus my halucination..
well.. during ippt conducting this moring, i went up to fred asking him
questions, absoluting forgetting what happen the past few days.. so
conclusion? it's easy to let go bad thigns if you are just willing.
relalyi.. but too bad that he's cautious over it. since, i realise that what
had happen isnt really at the back of my mind, i shouldn't be giving myself
trouble. (afterall, my heavenly Father have forgive and bear with me for so
long, i should treat all my neighbors well as instructed by Him). hence,
didn't go for breakfast with mrs seet.. guess i need time to socialise with
my fellow NSFs.. but.. sigh.. fred actually bought breakfast for jason.. and
the question was asked last night.. so.. things are clear.. anyway, he
slept his day thru for as long as i remember.. i left office at 1430..
**nope i am not directing any implication or criticism here.. it's a
naration of events.. !!!
and i strongly concur with dki, if only i dun take cab, i think my life will
be much happier.. yesh.. i wan to quite cabbing.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
before intersession and confession.. allow me to vent it.,.
i know i am stupid and ridiculous to behave in some ways but that's me.... how? ii am trying hard.. really.. before i try to change.. let me vent my frust..
it's been days..
i am wondering, how much am i needed/? or how much am i appreciated. benjamin is not happy in MP br becos he felt no appreciation from superiors.. me? there's appreciation from mrs seet, definitely .. i guess.. but i dun get any appreciation from colleagues.. maybe whatever i do really doesn't concerns them.. huh? ya.. maybe.. maybe whatever that i do i really what i am supposed to do, to ans their question and provide solutions to situations, situation so nitty gritty that most probably no one can remember and have any impression. resultant? i did nothing for them? cos all that i did were too minute. yah.. forget it ernest.. let it go.. dun care. dun know anything and let it be..
but can it be done? now, it seems that it's my fault for not helping them.... honestly, i do think that all my stuffs are easy stuffs.. simple things.. but .. argh..
maybe i am getting too close to maj lim etc.. having too many breakfast with them and etc.. actualliy i also dun know what makes maj lim asking me for breakfast.. think it's norm, so much so becomes courtesy to ask.. even wendy also dun eat with them.. maj lim says it's because i am covering mrs seet, indirectly somewhere at the management level there.. ya.. is that true?
this is also another irony. i wish to be at command, having them listening to me. yet, i have this tendency to feel the command with arrows in hand, which is despically wrong. i cannot be like that, cos that will be wendy's style, to show power with lotsa arrows and scolding. francis keep saying i am going to scold him , etc.. guesssi am like wendy.. but on the other hand, i also felt burden to help each and everyone with all their problems, thinking that i am in the position to help all, so i helpED. does that mean that i dun teach them enough? that i am reserving too much knowledge from them to prevent them from being independant?
but some people just dun and obviously trying to siam responsiblity. okok, i know it's jsut NS, why bother right? but it's despicable for someone to chat on forum all day and refuse to help out in other.. okay, slip disc, so cannot carry.. you win.. but some times, i am asking you to help with clerical....
my fault also lies in my mentality.. and also my inferiority... i felt no company. fred had see too and now kenneth.. rms, being so amiable can click with all.. left me alone, trapped in my extravagant, superflous pride and attitude.. no wonder i am an island and am a bad guy...
the very reason for my "capablity" is unknown at this moment.. is it cos i am the docu alone>? or my independance, or my siao-on?
my war is waging, and i am losing, of cos.. for i am alone.. i need to make right with all.. may God help me. for it's not a good testimony to be a bad guy among all of them..
........
i know i am stupid and ridiculous to behave in some ways but that's me.... how? ii am trying hard.. really.. before i try to change.. let me vent my frust..
it's been days..
i am wondering, how much am i needed/? or how much am i appreciated. benjamin is not happy in MP br becos he felt no appreciation from superiors.. me? there's appreciation from mrs seet, definitely .. i guess.. but i dun get any appreciation from colleagues.. maybe whatever i do really doesn't concerns them.. huh? ya.. maybe.. maybe whatever that i do i really what i am supposed to do, to ans their question and provide solutions to situations, situation so nitty gritty that most probably no one can remember and have any impression. resultant? i did nothing for them? cos all that i did were too minute. yah.. forget it ernest.. let it go.. dun care. dun know anything and let it be..
but can it be done? now, it seems that it's my fault for not helping them.... honestly, i do think that all my stuffs are easy stuffs.. simple things.. but .. argh..
maybe i am getting too close to maj lim etc.. having too many breakfast with them and etc.. actualliy i also dun know what makes maj lim asking me for breakfast.. think it's norm, so much so becomes courtesy to ask.. even wendy also dun eat with them.. maj lim says it's because i am covering mrs seet, indirectly somewhere at the management level there.. ya.. is that true?
this is also another irony. i wish to be at command, having them listening to me. yet, i have this tendency to feel the command with arrows in hand, which is despically wrong. i cannot be like that, cos that will be wendy's style, to show power with lotsa arrows and scolding. francis keep saying i am going to scold him , etc.. guesssi am like wendy.. but on the other hand, i also felt burden to help each and everyone with all their problems, thinking that i am in the position to help all, so i helpED. does that mean that i dun teach them enough? that i am reserving too much knowledge from them to prevent them from being independant?
but some people just dun and obviously trying to siam responsiblity. okok, i know it's jsut NS, why bother right? but it's despicable for someone to chat on forum all day and refuse to help out in other.. okay, slip disc, so cannot carry.. you win.. but some times, i am asking you to help with clerical....
my fault also lies in my mentality.. and also my inferiority... i felt no company. fred had see too and now kenneth.. rms, being so amiable can click with all.. left me alone, trapped in my extravagant, superflous pride and attitude.. no wonder i am an island and am a bad guy...
the very reason for my "capablity" is unknown at this moment.. is it cos i am the docu alone>? or my independance, or my siao-on?
my war is waging, and i am losing, of cos.. for i am alone.. i need to make right with all.. may God help me. for it's not a good testimony to be a bad guy among all of them..
........
down~!
damn down.. can't seem to pick myself up.. i am just indulging myself in tonnes of pessismism..
i am waging a war, for no purpose.. i dunknwo what am i doing.. but it has been done..
no turning back
i am waging a war, for no purpose.. i dunknwo what am i doing.. but it has been done..
no turning back
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
the big O
i am so sian, dun even feel like reading blogs.. is my blog going to be terminated, like jevin/ ? i hope not..
there's too many things in my head. and too little privacy in blog.. and too little time to blog, and too .............
i was "ostracised", then, i am ostracised. am i?
there's too many things in my head. and too little privacy in blog.. and too little time to blog, and too .............
i was "ostracised", then, i am ostracised. am i?
Saturday, June 05, 2004
20th birthday part 3 - dinner with them
i will like to backdate this entry to the day after my birthday.
--
no doubt, i think it's my most activities-filled birthday
(this entry remained to be a draft entry)
--
no doubt, i think it's my most activities-filled birthday
(this entry remained to be a draft entry)
i am back, from Mt Ophir
i am finally back. for those who dun know.. from Mt Ophir. Much to blog bout the trip, and of cos about 30May04. but as much as i wish to jot down my thoughts.. my bed is as tempting.
i need rest.. afterall, i have gone up 1200m and down ... haha.. okie. it's chicken feet for some of u out there.. but.. yea.. it's a feat to me. =)
i need rest.. afterall, i have gone up 1200m and down ... haha.. okie. it's chicken feet for some of u out there.. but.. yea.. it's a feat to me. =)
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
blessings from you.. thanks~
i thank GOD. HE's always so kind and gracious unto me. i knwo i am often a bad person, and bad frens at time... but HE still bless me with many friends.. Thank you LORD.
Hey! 1 yr older liao hor.. But it's ok.. Only gers shld be scared of growing older =P so..HAPPY BADE!Haf a gr8 day! Take care
...by the way happy birthday to you
Happi bade ernest! Sorree i cant stay2wai4u2come coz i need2........
happy birthday brother
Blessed Birthday! :) thank God for bringing u into our midst. . May u continue to walk close to God all the days of ur life :)
Blessed 20th birthday! No longer a teenager so muz be mroe mature &continue 2 grow in e Lord!:) noe u'll definitely haf ppl celebrating with u, so enjoy! :P
Happy birthday
yo ernest happy birthday!!:) may all ur wishes come true and hope to see u guys soon! enjoy ya day will u :)o:)
hey ernest.. wishin u a Happy 20th Birthday! =)
Happy birthday gay boy! May you have a fun and gay day...
HapPy BitHdaY DudE!! Take care and smile always! =D
Ernie! Happy birthday! Lots of hugns and kisses for you! Hehee..
Hey bro! Happy birthday! Wanna meet up one of these days? Long tym since we meet up..
Happy birthday! May u stay happy n healthy~
yoz ernie.. Happy 20th birthday...
ernest happy birthday! i quite good hor can remember. best wishes to u!
hye, belated happy bdae! :) forgot to wish ya jus now. remember to harness e innate faith from within should u encounter difficulties n may The Lord bestow ya with many many more blessings to come s u continue to do His will. Let Him lead e way ya? take care
*disclaimer: i have no intention to undermine privacy of the msg/smses.. but hm.. well.. just for blog :) that i will remember years later..
Hey! 1 yr older liao hor.. But it's ok.. Only gers shld be scared of growing older =P so..HAPPY BADE!Haf a gr8 day! Take care
- Wanting, 1333hrs, 200504
...by the way happy birthday to you
- Wong, 2119hrs, 280504
Happi bade ernest! Sorree i cant stay2wai4u2come coz i need2........
- Lynette, 1843hrs, 290504
happy birthday brother
- Huawei, 2244hrs, 290504
Blessed Birthday! :) thank God for bringing u into our midst. . May u continue to walk close to God all the days of ur life :)
- Shuhui, 0002hrs, 300504
Blessed 20th birthday! No longer a teenager so muz be mroe mature &continue 2 grow in e Lord!:) noe u'll definitely haf ppl celebrating with u, so enjoy! :P
- Lingqin, 0003hrs, 300504
Happy birthday
- Wilfred, 0045hrs, 300504
yo ernest happy birthday!!:) may all ur wishes come true and hope to see u guys soon! enjoy ya day will u :)o:)
- Andrew, 0856hrs, 300504
hey ernest.. wishin u a Happy 20th Birthday! =)
- Ruyi, 1012hrs, 300504
Happy birthday gay boy! May you have a fun and gay day...
- Weiwen, 1041hrs, 300504
HapPy BitHdaY DudE!! Take care and smile always! =D
- Aileen, 1119hrs, 300504
Ernie! Happy birthday! Lots of hugns and kisses for you! Hehee..
- Baoting, 1125hrs, 300504
Hey bro! Happy birthday! Wanna meet up one of these days? Long tym since we meet up..
- Royston, 1239hrs, 300504
Happy birthday! May u stay happy n healthy~
- Wanfen, 1943hrs, 300504
yoz ernie.. Happy 20th birthday...
- Weiliang, 2348hrs, 300504
ernest happy birthday! i quite good hor can remember. best wishes to u!
- siawlei, 1314hrs, 310504
hye, belated happy bdae! :) forgot to wish ya jus now. remember to harness e innate faith from within should u encounter difficulties n may The Lord bestow ya with many many more blessings to come s u continue to do His will. Let Him lead e way ya? take care
- nicholas, 1314hrs, 310504
*disclaimer: i have no intention to undermine privacy of the msg/smses.. but hm.. well.. just for blog :) that i will remember years later..
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