yanyan from holland V is a tragic character to me. throughout her life, she is a soloist, closed from outsiders' opinions and most importantly obstinate. isn't it sad to be like her? i think one of the worst things in life is to be detestable. hope i am not like her.
my driving lesson was postponed, jus what i would have wished for. i was trying to get money to pay him. fortunately, he take MC.. haha.. life isn't that bad. when you realise that sometimes, things work out the way you like it. let's count our blessings.
talking about money... mrs seet asked me to teach her daughter.. "how much i wack and scold you in office, you can just bottled up and do it to my daughter..." haah.. it is definitely going to be stressful lor.. dun know if i should take up the challenge. i wouldn't want my office time to be so stressful lor.. and con't work for mrs seet even after office hour. on the other hand, if i can teach well, there might be better life for me in the office?? haha.. see first lor.. see how God guides me...
my new colleague took three days leave.. and next mon he's on course. so i guess i wun see him till tue. he is another commando drop out. why my office always have this kind of pple/? sigh.. really hope he is fun to be with. :) i haven't taken MCs before.. should start to have my MC forecast. haha.. should take some leave also.. erm.. no must clear my off first. i deserve a break.. should start to plan for my holiday lor.. ok.. think i talking cock liao.. ~ life will be better tmr, hopefully.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
never expect jevin will be the first person to read my blog. initially i tot my blog will be shoved in dust for ages before showcasing it. haha.. one more person to add as my links.. hehe.
i have been contemplating to have a blogger since jc when i saw huawei's livejournal. however, i really have my reservations. there are many inner thoughts that i wouldn't wan to share, and if i cannot be truthful in my writing, what's the point of writing? now i think it is worth being truthful in blogs. people who take the time to read your blog, they should be worthy friends to share my thoughts with. isn't it?
actually, how truthful can one be in his own thoughts? i, for one, often self deceive myself. so there's really no issue if the blog is real or not. one cannot judge.
"We are constantly in search for company, but yet some pple juz like to keep to themselves and hide the fact that they need company. "--jevin's blog. i am one who is hiding the fact that i need company. i put on a cool front, procrasinates my pursuits, lengthening my wait for others, hallucinating the -ve impressions that others have on me, sloth away the time, build high walls to keep visitors away. oh man, what i am doing?
i guess i cannot write further, thoughts are running thru my head so much faster than i can write. i need to sleep. ~all the best for tmr... life has to be better.
i have been contemplating to have a blogger since jc when i saw huawei's livejournal. however, i really have my reservations. there are many inner thoughts that i wouldn't wan to share, and if i cannot be truthful in my writing, what's the point of writing? now i think it is worth being truthful in blogs. people who take the time to read your blog, they should be worthy friends to share my thoughts with. isn't it?
actually, how truthful can one be in his own thoughts? i, for one, often self deceive myself. so there's really no issue if the blog is real or not. one cannot judge.
"We are constantly in search for company, but yet some pple juz like to keep to themselves and hide the fact that they need company. "--jevin's blog. i am one who is hiding the fact that i need company. i put on a cool front, procrasinates my pursuits, lengthening my wait for others, hallucinating the -ve impressions that others have on me, sloth away the time, build high walls to keep visitors away. oh man, what i am doing?
i guess i cannot write further, thoughts are running thru my head so much faster than i can write. i need to sleep. ~all the best for tmr... life has to be better.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
wits course (last day)
today is the last day of the course. indeed, i am not new to this kind of course. just like nacli, youthchallenge course/camp, it is a team building course, which focus on leadership and teach us to be tactical leaders. But, this course has certainly refresh my experience as a leader (if i am really one).
i guess i am being more open in this course. i have put on my most extrovert self. i cast away my reservations to a blur/ comical/ out-spoken ernest. i really dun know if it is correct for me to be like that. God, pls tell me which is the real me?? i think i really have split personalities, so much so that i dun know who is the real me. or maybe it is true for all? who knows?
tmr i will get to know my new colleague. dun know how will it be. let's hope for the best colleague/ friend that i can have in army.
i guess i am being more open in this course. i have put on my most extrovert self. i cast away my reservations to a blur/ comical/ out-spoken ernest. i really dun know if it is correct for me to be like that. God, pls tell me which is the real me?? i think i really have split personalities, so much so that i dun know who is the real me. or maybe it is true for all? who knows?
tmr i will get to know my new colleague. dun know how will it be. let's hope for the best colleague/ friend that i can have in army.
Monday, October 27, 2003
WIT leader course 1. i am on course again. since i dun know anyone in the course, attempts are made to know people. thank God that my skin condition is giving confidence to approach people.
I know that it is my attitude that enables me to make friends or let people talk to me. However, i jsut cannot force myself to behave positively when my skin condition is bad. Self esteem is rock-bottomed when my face is flaking etc..
the course is about being a good leader. it is definitely not the first time for me to attend such course. however, whether i apply the content learnt is another matter.
in such courses, i always appear to be confident and take the initiative to break the ice. can i do the same in my social life?
presently, i am leading a loner life. i dun go out with people.
on the other hand, weiming is taking the initiative to ask me/ the rest out. he just cannot be alone. now that he is single, he needs more company from friends. the same senerio happenned in JC. but then, i am not sure if he's with vivian or not. this time, i know that being a friend, i should be with him when he needs company. but i just dun like to be called out frequent becos he's single. in other words, i am jsut trying to act bochap even i do like to have companionship.
i was on very good terms with eugene in sec 2 cos i am always making myself available for him to chat thru the night.
i was on good terms weiming when he needed company in JC. i never asked him anything bout viv and him. neither did he tell me anything.
but i just dun know who, how, when to ask them out when i am feeling down/ dejected. i start to think that friends are redundant to me. cos i dun know how to approach them. i have taken a step back from all. i can sympathise the feelings of a hermit.
am i right to behave in this way?
I know that it is my attitude that enables me to make friends or let people talk to me. However, i jsut cannot force myself to behave positively when my skin condition is bad. Self esteem is rock-bottomed when my face is flaking etc..
the course is about being a good leader. it is definitely not the first time for me to attend such course. however, whether i apply the content learnt is another matter.
in such courses, i always appear to be confident and take the initiative to break the ice. can i do the same in my social life?
presently, i am leading a loner life. i dun go out with people.
on the other hand, weiming is taking the initiative to ask me/ the rest out. he just cannot be alone. now that he is single, he needs more company from friends. the same senerio happenned in JC. but then, i am not sure if he's with vivian or not. this time, i know that being a friend, i should be with him when he needs company. but i just dun like to be called out frequent becos he's single. in other words, i am jsut trying to act bochap even i do like to have companionship.
i was on very good terms with eugene in sec 2 cos i am always making myself available for him to chat thru the night.
i was on good terms weiming when he needed company in JC. i never asked him anything bout viv and him. neither did he tell me anything.
but i just dun know who, how, when to ask them out when i am feeling down/ dejected. i start to think that friends are redundant to me. cos i dun know how to approach them. i have taken a step back from all. i can sympathise the feelings of a hermit.
am i right to behave in this way?
Saturday, October 25, 2003
---like this paw? i like it. have been using it since my last webpage in 1998. long time back isn't it?
dennis share his philosophy of being sucessful with us again today, during the high-tea. (anyway, the high-tea is only $9/= per head. damn cheap becos of royston's 50% discount) Dennis was saying that positive thinking will bring you to the place you wish to be at. i totally agree with that. in primary, i dreamt about being a prefect, get a high agregate score to go dhs etc, all were realised unknowingly. there is a kind of force is dreaming.. it will drive you towards your goals. but i have stop dreaming, erm.. should i say, i have stop dreaming hard enough quite some time ago. i am tired. lathargic and incapable to dream big and aim high. dun know why.
Dennis talked about networking, i used to be able to put on a smile and talk to everyone i know... now? i can't even bother to talk to my friends--eugene etc.. why? just dis-heartened. or jus too tired. lost the faith that they dun mind listening to me. everytime i tried to say something, there is this devilish voice tellin me that all are not interested in me and my speech. i have given in to this devilish voice more frequently as day goes.
Hopefully i can be stronger and be a better person someday.. or again. hehe.. all by the grace of God. If He allows. :)
i am going for a high tea at oriental hotel later.. dun know how will it turn into? hopefully the atmosphere will be good enough to enjoy. this is a super long weekend but yet i have to go to camp for div duty tmr... ya.. i am a bit aimless now.. hopefully by designing the website will cause me to be more aware of what do i really wan.. seize the day.
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