haven't been so busy, erm.. occupied is a better word. ya.. havent been so occupied in the ops room before. it's really like, erm.. okay, there is really an operation going on! called from indonesia and back, using statelites and comms.. complicated. really dun think i can sleep tonight.. and that's new year eve.~ =)
but actually, even if i am not on duty tonight, will still be called back for stuffs, likely. so, no complaints.. it's the best situation for me to be in, i guess...
Friday, December 31, 2004
New Year Resolution
-----Original Message-----
From: blurdreamer@yahoo.com [mailto:blurdreamer@yahoo.com]
Sent: December 31, 2004 1:07 AM
To: Caleb Yee
Subject: new year resolution
Caleb,
thanks for helping me. erm.. there's no sharing, then,
just read the last few para fo rme .thannk!
I have been looking forward to this year end meeting,
also the 1st anniversary meeting for Shomerim. indeed,
i think the Lord has been very kind to us and thank
God that it has been 1 year since Shomerim started.
I can still remember the message last year by u.john
we we were talking bout Demas, who had forsaken Paul
cos he had loved the present world. And U.J urged us,
to con't be on the Lord's side, not only now, but
years later. and he asked if we will still be in
church 5 years later. I am so glad that 1 year as
passed and many of us are still around. we will con;'t
to pray and bring them back, aren't we?
I truly thank God for the past year. it has been a
year of blessings. i've taken the step of faith n
courage to be baptized and i was very glad when my mom
was there to witness it. God also opened a way for me
to bring my brother to church. More imptly, God has
kept Edmund with us since then.
My resolution made was generally fulfilled but i din't
manage to keep to the OT readings, sad to say.
Actually i am quite worried about the coming year.
pray that God will lead me on.
So, what's for next year?
1. to be a Christian Student and do well in school.
2. to bring at least 1 friend to church.
3. to learn God's Word and study it, seriously! no
more nominal christian for me.
4. to con't being in church.
From: blurdreamer@yahoo.com [mailto:blurdreamer@yahoo.com]
Sent: December 31, 2004 1:07 AM
To: Caleb Yee
Subject: new year resolution
Caleb,
thanks for helping me. erm.. there's no sharing, then,
just read the last few para fo rme .thannk!
I have been looking forward to this year end meeting,
also the 1st anniversary meeting for Shomerim. indeed,
i think the Lord has been very kind to us and thank
God that it has been 1 year since Shomerim started.
I can still remember the message last year by u.john
we we were talking bout Demas, who had forsaken Paul
cos he had loved the present world. And U.J urged us,
to con't be on the Lord's side, not only now, but
years later. and he asked if we will still be in
church 5 years later. I am so glad that 1 year as
passed and many of us are still around. we will con;'t
to pray and bring them back, aren't we?
I truly thank God for the past year. it has been a
year of blessings. i've taken the step of faith n
courage to be baptized and i was very glad when my mom
was there to witness it. God also opened a way for me
to bring my brother to church. More imptly, God has
kept Edmund with us since then.
My resolution made was generally fulfilled but i din't
manage to keep to the OT readings, sad to say.
Actually i am quite worried about the coming year.
pray that God will lead me on.
So, what's for next year?
1. to be a Christian Student and do well in school.
2. to bring at least 1 friend to church.
3. to learn God's Word and study it, seriously! no
more nominal christian for me.
4. to con't being in church.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
singapore could have sink..
can you see it! it's singapore is so blessed by God. we ought to thank God!
shomerim christmas condo
so glad that weixiong came and has actually expressed interests to know more bout the Lord. i better do some following up
it's another night of tonning.. and this time, with chats and discussion. learnt a lot about them. and also start to fall into my dark pit of sadness and insecurity. again, and yes, again, having that kind of feeling that i am transforming into a good for nothing. it's a known fact to me but just reinforced. i know i am fortunate already, and yes i truly thank God for helping me all these years. He is indeed so gracious to allow me to been thru years. reflecting back, i really din't do much.. and wouldn't have deserved anythign at all. aiayh.. nvm..
talking crap
it's another night of tonning.. and this time, with chats and discussion. learnt a lot about them. and also start to fall into my dark pit of sadness and insecurity. again, and yes, again, having that kind of feeling that i am transforming into a good for nothing. it's a known fact to me but just reinforced. i know i am fortunate already, and yes i truly thank God for helping me all these years. He is indeed so gracious to allow me to been thru years. reflecting back, i really din't do much.. and wouldn't have deserved anythign at all. aiayh.. nvm..
talking crap
Monday, December 27, 2004
to blog or not to blog
as mentioned to huishi some time ago.. it's really weird to blog my entries online and let everyone seeing what am i writing or thinking. it's like an exposed diary. but i guess, so often when i write something in my diary, they are just contents which i wish i can tell someone but couldn;t find one who may be interested or have to time to spare for me or watever.. so, if someone is free enough and kay-po enough about me, just let them know me lor. haha.. okay, i am exposing myself too much and it seemed to have undermined my esteem.. but.. well... that's the way it is now lor (till i change my blog to something more confi)
but there's still many things that i cannot say in this blog. it doesn't happen often, but today is one such case.
blogcraze dtd 120904
why-blog dtd 190904
i cant blog like this anymore dtd 210504
blogging dtd 080204
not blogging dtd 130104
but there's still many things that i cannot say in this blog. it doesn't happen often, but today is one such case.
blogcraze dtd 120904
why-blog dtd 190904
i cant blog like this anymore dtd 210504
blogging dtd 080204
not blogging dtd 130104
Friday, December 24, 2004
Christmas Eve
the eve of our Savior's birth
the time of fulfilment
the night when the wise men seek
to seek for the One True King.
two thousand years later
things seemed to get better
lights on streets shine brighter
and goods sold at a price much dearer
it's so quiet in the office today
all of them seeking fun out there
i dun wish to be part if this silence
neither do i wish to part of the busy fair
so much time in hand
also so much things on hand
so many people to think of
so little capital to spare
never have been crappier than this
never wish to be pseudo poetic
just that i feel quite lost and lonely
in this festive season of joy
the time of fulfilment
the night when the wise men seek
to seek for the One True King.
two thousand years later
things seemed to get better
lights on streets shine brighter
and goods sold at a price much dearer
it's so quiet in the office today
all of them seeking fun out there
i dun wish to be part if this silence
neither do i wish to part of the busy fair
so much time in hand
also so much things on hand
so many people to think of
so little capital to spare
never have been crappier than this
never wish to be pseudo poetic
just that i feel quite lost and lonely
in this festive season of joy
Thursday, December 23, 2004
bad 'omen'
you know, many times i will somehow still do things against God even there's this little voice telling me that NO! you cannot do this!. after which, there's always immense regrets and followed by a series of events which make me feel that God is not happy and in ways chastening me. really. it's a very bad feeling and you just think that all things planned will not work out.
i hate myself whenever i gave in.
i hate myself whenever i gave in.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
busy dec
december is such a busy month, both in activities and work.
of cos i am glad to have friends and activities. birthdays, treats, christmas.
i am at home now. haven taken 0.5(am) off cos yesterday night was celebrating nicole's birthday. before i sleep, i even set the alarm clock at 1015 incase i couldn't wake up in time. but then? i woke up at 720! sian!~ tot can nuah in the bed.
work has been really disastrously. really. i seemed to have so much to do. or is it me only? i know all in the office have a lot to do but it seems that for the month of dec, i have really a lot. despite have 2 helpers but seems that erm... not much of a help. the main reason, i think, is that i am not letting them to do things independantly. have been giving specific instructions. also, have to find time to teach ryan. handing over is much more difficult than i think. God help me.
think i am getting more mrs seet's nerve recently. sigh.. dun know how to rectify also. the rest are always disturbing me when i need to work. and they dun disturb me when i want to play.
really feel like spending OT for a day. to clear ALL the crap. maybe i will feel happier.
yesterday RO has problem, (cos wendy called me in the mornign) sigh.. why !
NO TIME~!
of cos i am glad to have friends and activities. birthdays, treats, christmas.
i am at home now. haven taken 0.5(am) off cos yesterday night was celebrating nicole's birthday. before i sleep, i even set the alarm clock at 1015 incase i couldn't wake up in time. but then? i woke up at 720! sian!~ tot can nuah in the bed.
work has been really disastrously. really. i seemed to have so much to do. or is it me only? i know all in the office have a lot to do but it seems that for the month of dec, i have really a lot. despite have 2 helpers but seems that erm... not much of a help. the main reason, i think, is that i am not letting them to do things independantly. have been giving specific instructions. also, have to find time to teach ryan. handing over is much more difficult than i think. God help me.
think i am getting more mrs seet's nerve recently. sigh.. dun know how to rectify also. the rest are always disturbing me when i need to work. and they dun disturb me when i want to play.
really feel like spending OT for a day. to clear ALL the crap. maybe i will feel happier.
yesterday RO has problem, (cos wendy called me in the mornign) sigh.. why !
NO TIME~!
Monday, December 20, 2004
whining
for all who thinks that i am whining too much.. well. this is the place for me to whine~.,, i need to.
flop with my interpretation today. actually i knew i would, it's my preparation and also the state of mind. more importantly, i really din't commit myself and my work to the Lord. i must strive to serve Him with the right heart.
it brings me to a deeper state of self-belittling. or should i say a further realisation/ expression that i am really quite a bum. nth worthy, little capability. i am just a fortunate person blessed by the Lord, not really with talents/abilities, but with the situation/surroundings to bring me to what i am today. i always appear to be, but i am not. i tend to be what i am not too. i am just a facade, a false impression. i am such a bum.
and i agree, i am too self-conscious. always thinking that pple are saying/commenting/criticising me. shux. this is not good. it just shows that i am after men's assessment and not God. Lord, please help me to live for Thee and not any men on earth.
Lord, even if i will con't to be a bum, teach me to be concerned about being useful to You. this is diff, but, .. . .nvm.
flop with my interpretation today. actually i knew i would, it's my preparation and also the state of mind. more importantly, i really din't commit myself and my work to the Lord. i must strive to serve Him with the right heart.
it brings me to a deeper state of self-belittling. or should i say a further realisation/ expression that i am really quite a bum. nth worthy, little capability. i am just a fortunate person blessed by the Lord, not really with talents/abilities, but with the situation/surroundings to bring me to what i am today. i always appear to be, but i am not. i tend to be what i am not too. i am just a facade, a false impression. i am such a bum.
and i agree, i am too self-conscious. always thinking that pple are saying/commenting/criticising me. shux. this is not good. it just shows that i am after men's assessment and not God. Lord, please help me to live for Thee and not any men on earth.
Lord, even if i will con't to be a bum, teach me to be concerned about being useful to You. this is diff, but, .. . .nvm.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
ocean's twelve
Blog?: "Hmm watched 'Ocean's Twelve' during nights off... Didn't really understand the show... Probably because i never watched 'Ocean's Eleven'... Somemore some of the words they said wasn't really audible an there were no subtitles as well... Needed a AAR among us before we get a rough idea of what actually happened in the movie... But those are only guesses and deductions... No one really knew what was going on... Haha... Worst still one of us fell asleep throughout the show... " --what weilun thinks of O12. =)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
concert under the sky
went to this concert at bluemoo@ymca by the a capella group - budak pantai (beach boys). we paid 10 bucks each for entrance, 2 cups of drinks and a snack, and not forgeting the wonderful performance put up by them.
it's indeed a performance driven and powered by passion alone. yes.. only passion can bring them this far, to give their time for practice outside their dayjob. the way they enjoy on the stage brings joy to all the audience. =)
linqin seemed to like them a lot. well, it's understandable as she loves singing as much as they do. =) she's trying to start her own a cappella grp. all the best to her. this reminds of me the bands they have in JC/sch school.. "elements of sound" etc.. haha.. guess this is part of growing up. to dabble with exciting things that thrill us~
there's humour in the concert, the things they said and implied. humour is a quality so captivating. =)
all in all, enjoy my night on the roof top of ymca building, under the blue sky, cool weather, nice music and romantic ambience. =)
it's indeed a performance driven and powered by passion alone. yes.. only passion can bring them this far, to give their time for practice outside their dayjob. the way they enjoy on the stage brings joy to all the audience. =)
linqin seemed to like them a lot. well, it's understandable as she loves singing as much as they do. =) she's trying to start her own a cappella grp. all the best to her. this reminds of me the bands they have in JC/sch school.. "elements of sound" etc.. haha.. guess this is part of growing up. to dabble with exciting things that thrill us~
there's humour in the concert, the things they said and implied. humour is a quality so captivating. =)
all in all, enjoy my night on the roof top of ymca building, under the blue sky, cool weather, nice music and romantic ambience. =)
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Corgito ergo sum the one
Corgito ergo sum the one
have been reading his blog for some time. but i tot it's not nice/no need to put his link in my blog..
nv did i believe that i am actually still reading his blog now and then.. =) wel... just blabbering..
chris, take care~
have been reading his blog for some time. but i tot it's not nice/no need to put his link in my blog..
nv did i believe that i am actually still reading his blog now and then.. =) wel... just blabbering..
chris, take care~
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Ocean's Twelve
i din't watch ocean's eleven. and i must say i was quite lost during the first part of the movie. it seems that they assume most of the audience will have watched it's prequel. =) nvm.. i guess i have another feeling watching. i have more to guess and more to find out.~
as usual, it's a movie with missing parts thruout the movie until the last part. it is always the case for this kind of movie. they have to hide things from all of us, and reveal them only at the ending. it creates a false impression that there's much plot and ingenius idea going on.. but, erm.. in fact, not exactly.
buti guess this kind of movie appeals to me (an intellect wannabe). haha.. jiwei says that the movie sux cos he dun understand it. well, i guess i dun understand some parts of it.. but i like it. i like to be triggered to think. well, i have mentioned, i am just an intellect wannabe.
everytime after watching such shows, i just like to read more and wish that i can be informed and well-versed. i am such a wannabe. =(
as usual, it's a movie with missing parts thruout the movie until the last part. it is always the case for this kind of movie. they have to hide things from all of us, and reveal them only at the ending. it creates a false impression that there's much plot and ingenius idea going on.. but, erm.. in fact, not exactly.
buti guess this kind of movie appeals to me (an intellect wannabe). haha.. jiwei says that the movie sux cos he dun understand it. well, i guess i dun understand some parts of it.. but i like it. i like to be triggered to think. well, i have mentioned, i am just an intellect wannabe.
everytime after watching such shows, i just like to read more and wish that i can be informed and well-versed. i am such a wannabe. =(
frustration
i am seriously very very pissed. and i seriously think that i am a noob~ an ultimate bloody stupid guy...
www.dreamerize.com.. all can go in. except for ME!~!!!!!!!!
freakign!!!!!
sux..
www.dreamerize.com.. all can go in. except for ME!~!!!!!!!!
freakign!!!!!
sux..
Sunday, December 12, 2004
dec hols - church camp
I ought to have written this post some time ago but was procrasinating. Hope i can still remember what i wanted to say previously~
This is my 2nd church camp in Tabernacle. I must say that the feeling is totally different. Last year, i am in the "try to know you guys" stage. This year, i am glad that it's "wish to know you guys better" stage.
As much as i wish to enjoy the camp, i must say that the swelling on my right hand did affect my enjoyment. feel rather restricted. especially during the 1st night and 2nd day, when i am running a fever. Hence couldn't enjoy the messages the way i should. =(
but also because of the swell, i have the "care and concern" from many pple. hehhe.. as what josiah will say, i'm back to my "honeymoon period" in tab. haha.. Thanks GuyS!~
was appointed to be the Log IC but i felt that i din't do much in the end. in fact, i do think a number of miscalculation and poor planning took place.. sigh.. but felt very supportive from all the help that i receive.~ hehe. =) thanks again.
revival? erm.. i guess not much for this camp. but it's a camp of self-discovery and resolution setting for me. the serene and away-from-the-world environment set me into much thoughts about the life thus far as a christian and the years to come. also, it's the 2nd camp where my bro is with me. I can still remember the recent Jun Camp when i first brought him to our midst. I was praying hard that he will accept the Lord. Indeed, thank God for touching his heart. This time, it's the first time having a Christian brother with me in the camp. .. hm.. this time i pray that both of us will con't to grow in the Lord and...
it's a blessing from God that we/i can participate in the camp and i truly thank God for it.~
This is my 2nd church camp in Tabernacle. I must say that the feeling is totally different. Last year, i am in the "try to know you guys" stage. This year, i am glad that it's "wish to know you guys better" stage.
As much as i wish to enjoy the camp, i must say that the swelling on my right hand did affect my enjoyment. feel rather restricted. especially during the 1st night and 2nd day, when i am running a fever. Hence couldn't enjoy the messages the way i should. =(
but also because of the swell, i have the "care and concern" from many pple. hehhe.. as what josiah will say, i'm back to my "honeymoon period" in tab. haha.. Thanks GuyS!~
was appointed to be the Log IC but i felt that i din't do much in the end. in fact, i do think a number of miscalculation and poor planning took place.. sigh.. but felt very supportive from all the help that i receive.~ hehe. =) thanks again.
revival? erm.. i guess not much for this camp. but it's a camp of self-discovery and resolution setting for me. the serene and away-from-the-world environment set me into much thoughts about the life thus far as a christian and the years to come. also, it's the 2nd camp where my bro is with me. I can still remember the recent Jun Camp when i first brought him to our midst. I was praying hard that he will accept the Lord. Indeed, thank God for touching his heart. This time, it's the first time having a Christian brother with me in the camp. .. hm.. this time i pray that both of us will con't to grow in the Lord and...
Be Strong, Be Strong, Be Strong in the Lord....
it's a blessing from God that we/i can participate in the camp and i truly thank God for it.~
Saturday, December 04, 2004
down...
things seemed to get a little out of hand for the past 1 week. it all started even before the church camp. the last few days before the church camp. after it, and erm.. hopefully things will get to to normal (comfortable arrangement) again. . .
time to rattle..
after of thinking and examples in life, i start to think that i am quite a unteacheable person. really.. in fact, my confidence is rock-bottomed when i realise this truth about myself. i have terribly short learning concentration and little interests in things. yes.. i mean things.. all things,.. all things that take more than a while to learn i stopped. no wonder i haven't learnt any. i tot things that aren't learnt in short time meaning that it's not meant for me. but little did i realise that it's because i didn't put in effort. it's really sukky to know that after many years, i have not kicked this idiotic habit - quitting.
so, how? do i still have time to catch up with the things that i ought to learn. yes, i should start to,.. ya.. redeem my time. also to redeem money (cos i think i am spending too much too.~ sian)
okay... am i feeling better>? no i dun think so. i start to imagine what's it is like to be in prison. it;s the ordeal of being trapped. being trapped in place and time such that thigns go on without you in the picture. and you are literally robbed of time. you feel so empty and start to feel lost.. no one can help. NO ONE. and,.. for me.. well, my SIM isn't getting signal yet..
partly, it's because i have made poor planning. i have failed to make time for God. jay chou's concert on the 27 Nov (it;s good, but shall comment next time).. is so close to 29-3Dec. how can i actually agreed to watch it!! it's terribly frustrating to realise that you dun have your saturday night for preparation. erm.. actually, this is very minor. one sat cannot do a lot but i just feel that it's a wrong decision made.
so, why am i still feeling lousy? maybe it's the swollen during the camp.. sian~ cannot play the things or enjoy as much. but again~!! i realise that it's also becuase of my attitude. in fact, it becomes a reason for me to deceive myself...
one reason why God gave me a brother. that is to give me a mirror. and i am everything that he
is.. the behaviours, attitude, characters, all that i disliked have the actual characteristic that i am having. unable to express myself well, unable to speak at the right time, unable to speak up, unable to stay calm, attention seeking, persistance in learning, the urge to learn. i stammer in front of doctors, stop playing things just because i am not winning, stop learning things that is outside textbooks, dun speak according to occasions, no dress sense, sigh...
dun know.. acutally my depression is coming back.. dun know why? all of a sudden. maybe cos of the mediciene. haha. dun know lah.. well.. it's time, it happens once every stage of life.. i know it's God asking me to turn to Him. yes.. been relyin on myself and full of myself for too long. too egoistic. too self conscious.
yes, this is just a complain. i dun know who can help... i dun expect any too..maybe only i can help myself, with God's help of cos.
edmund shares with a.ke that he has communicaiton problem wiht me. erm.. is it true? i ans yes initially, and start to think and pray that it will improve. after some time, i start to think that it isn't a prob. it's just the way it is. everyone will wish to be like meijie-nick, honghao-bohao. but can it be? i will have a brother so close too.. it's definitely something to be worked on. but let's tell myself that it's not something that is very bad. it's jsut okay.. maybe.. . . or maybe it's because that 2 people of the same problemS as listed above coming together will produce such results lor..
very sian liao.. happier entry later i hope
time to rattle..
after of thinking and examples in life, i start to think that i am quite a unteacheable person. really.. in fact, my confidence is rock-bottomed when i realise this truth about myself. i have terribly short learning concentration and little interests in things. yes.. i mean things.. all things,.. all things that take more than a while to learn i stopped. no wonder i haven't learnt any. i tot things that aren't learnt in short time meaning that it's not meant for me. but little did i realise that it's because i didn't put in effort. it's really sukky to know that after many years, i have not kicked this idiotic habit - quitting.
so, how? do i still have time to catch up with the things that i ought to learn. yes, i should start to,.. ya.. redeem my time. also to redeem money (cos i think i am spending too much too.~ sian)
okay... am i feeling better>? no i dun think so. i start to imagine what's it is like to be in prison. it;s the ordeal of being trapped. being trapped in place and time such that thigns go on without you in the picture. and you are literally robbed of time. you feel so empty and start to feel lost.. no one can help. NO ONE. and,.. for me.. well, my SIM isn't getting signal yet..
partly, it's because i have made poor planning. i have failed to make time for God. jay chou's concert on the 27 Nov (it;s good, but shall comment next time).. is so close to 29-3Dec. how can i actually agreed to watch it!! it's terribly frustrating to realise that you dun have your saturday night for preparation. erm.. actually, this is very minor. one sat cannot do a lot but i just feel that it's a wrong decision made.
so, why am i still feeling lousy? maybe it's the swollen during the camp.. sian~ cannot play the things or enjoy as much. but again~!! i realise that it's also becuase of my attitude. in fact, it becomes a reason for me to deceive myself...
one reason why God gave me a brother. that is to give me a mirror. and i am everything that he
is.. the behaviours, attitude, characters, all that i disliked have the actual characteristic that i am having. unable to express myself well, unable to speak at the right time, unable to speak up, unable to stay calm, attention seeking, persistance in learning, the urge to learn. i stammer in front of doctors, stop playing things just because i am not winning, stop learning things that is outside textbooks, dun speak according to occasions, no dress sense, sigh...
dun know.. acutally my depression is coming back.. dun know why? all of a sudden. maybe cos of the mediciene. haha. dun know lah.. well.. it's time, it happens once every stage of life.. i know it's God asking me to turn to Him. yes.. been relyin on myself and full of myself for too long. too egoistic. too self conscious.
yes, this is just a complain. i dun know who can help... i dun expect any too..maybe only i can help myself, with God's help of cos.
edmund shares with a.ke that he has communicaiton problem wiht me. erm.. is it true? i ans yes initially, and start to think and pray that it will improve. after some time, i start to think that it isn't a prob. it's just the way it is. everyone will wish to be like meijie-nick, honghao-bohao. but can it be? i will have a brother so close too.. it's definitely something to be worked on. but let's tell myself that it's not something that is very bad. it's jsut okay.. maybe.. . . or maybe it's because that 2 people of the same problemS as listed above coming together will produce such results lor..
very sian liao.. happier entry later i hope
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