down...

things seemed to get a little out of hand for the past 1 week. it all started even before the church camp. the last few days before the church camp. after it, and erm.. hopefully things will get to to normal (comfortable arrangement) again. . .

time to rattle..

after of thinking and examples in life, i start to think that i am quite a unteacheable person. really.. in fact, my confidence is rock-bottomed when i realise this truth about myself. i have terribly short learning concentration and little interests in things. yes.. i mean things.. all things,.. all things that take more than a while to learn i stopped. no wonder i haven't learnt any. i tot things that aren't learnt in short time meaning that it's not meant for me. but little did i realise that it's because i didn't put in effort. it's really sukky to know that after many years, i have not kicked this idiotic habit - quitting.

so, how? do i still have time to catch up with the things that i ought to learn. yes, i should start to,.. ya.. redeem my time. also to redeem money (cos i think i am spending too much too.~ sian)

okay... am i feeling better>? no i dun think so. i start to imagine what's it is like to be in prison. it;s the ordeal of being trapped. being trapped in place and time such that thigns go on without you in the picture. and you are literally robbed of time. you feel so empty and start to feel lost.. no one can help. NO ONE. and,.. for me.. well, my SIM isn't getting signal yet..

partly, it's because i have made poor planning. i have failed to make time for God. jay chou's concert on the 27 Nov (it;s good, but shall comment next time).. is so close to 29-3Dec. how can i actually agreed to watch it!! it's terribly frustrating to realise that you dun have your saturday night for preparation. erm.. actually, this is very minor. one sat cannot do a lot but i just feel that it's a wrong decision made.

so, why am i still feeling lousy? maybe it's the swollen during the camp.. sian~ cannot play the things or enjoy as much. but again~!! i realise that it's also becuase of my attitude. in fact, it becomes a reason for me to deceive myself...
one reason why God gave me a brother. that is to give me a mirror. and i am everything that he
is.. the behaviours, attitude, characters, all that i disliked have the actual characteristic that i am having. unable to express myself well, unable to speak at the right time, unable to speak up, unable to stay calm, attention seeking, persistance in learning, the urge to learn. i stammer in front of doctors, stop playing things just because i am not winning, stop learning things that is outside textbooks, dun speak according to occasions, no dress sense, sigh...

dun know.. acutally my depression is coming back.. dun know why? all of a sudden. maybe cos of the mediciene. haha. dun know lah.. well.. it's time, it happens once every stage of life.. i know it's God asking me to turn to Him. yes.. been relyin on myself and full of myself for too long. too egoistic. too self conscious.

yes, this is just a complain. i dun know who can help... i dun expect any too..maybe only i can help myself, with God's help of cos.

edmund shares with a.ke that he has communicaiton problem wiht me. erm.. is it true? i ans yes initially, and start to think and pray that it will improve. after some time, i start to think that it isn't a prob. it's just the way it is. everyone will wish to be like meijie-nick, honghao-bohao. but can it be? i will have a brother so close too.. it's definitely something to be worked on. but let's tell myself that it's not something that is very bad. it's jsut okay.. maybe.. . . or maybe it's because that 2 people of the same problemS as listed above coming together will produce such results lor..

very sian liao.. happier entry later i hope