relief teaching...

slept at 4 and woke up at 730.. nope, not a grumpy morning.
cos i received a call from mrs chua to relief teach for the day..
i am just exhilarated. =)

it has been my dream to be a relief teacher.. erm.. just fun.. ahha.. but alhtough it's quite diff at times, to command and to even talk.. i think i have lost my voice slightly..

4 periods of PE and 4 periods of FEL (Foundation english lesson) yes.. i taught 2 classes of em3 students.. diff to get attention but i am pleased with myself.. well... it's my first try.. i realised, they are bunch of likeable kids.. some of them.. =) shant elaborate much.. but i want to jot down the gladness i have.. to be able to talk to students, and to have students greeting me.. and some students (from the previous excursion trip) to call me from afar "ernest!! wat u doin here.. "

well.. 1 boy cried in my PE lesson cos the other boy punched him.
1 girl cried in my p6 class! cos of erm.. girls quarrels..
1 boy almost cried cos he fell down.! from my p5 class..

haha. =)

took 2 periods of PE with p3.. so... games.. dog and bone.. haha.. =) cos i played that in pri sch too..

think will be glad, to have a few more rounds of teachings.. =)

when i was walkin out, "are you going to teach us english again tmr?" "no.." "huh? why...?" =)

when i was out, a p5 student,
"are you our PE teacher?"
"huh?you from 5B? i din teach 5b today.. i taught 5C."
"but tmr? are u our pe teacher tmr?"
"no.."

=) well.. not that they like me, but i am just happy to, erm.. engaged in conversations with children.. =)

thoughts

"it is hard to let go of the Past if you have not learnt from the past.. as soon as you learn, and let go, you improve the present.."

it seemed to have cast some light to my thoughts and sadness.. but, it's still not easy to do..

today, so chatted with some pple on msn.. suddenly realised that i dun like pple who enforce their apparent understanding on thigns and insert comments when it's just opinions.. i dun like imposing people.. yeah.. guess i jus found out.. but then again.. am i one of them? erm.. i think i have been tryin to be courteous and modest in askin favours.. but have i changed? yeap.. a bit. i think i have caught the disease of having erm.. so called green eyes. i longed for the relationship and closeness whereby things can be taken for granted.. but i have failed to be firmed on what i have believed last time --"farmilarity breeds contempt"..

think i have been refraining myself from blogging randomly for a period of time.. but heck it.. shall con't to write my senseless thoughts even before i move this blog..

today's prayer mtg's sharing by uj is very good.. i felt it.. felt God's constant remainder to ask me to be fervent in Him and not to be the tares, the evil figs, the unprepared virgins.. i think tues' prayer mtg sharing are all very appropriate for me.. it's short and sufficient.. like a daily devotion with a radio help.. often push me to deep thoughts and ponder..

in a daze today.. thinkin bout things which i can't pt to them.. acutally i can lah.. but not going to count them.. it's all erm.. senseless tings.. thinkin that i am alwyas at the wrong place, at the wrong time, wnating the wrong things from wrong pple.. school is starting, and will i be having a group of freinds in school?? will i be involed in nus?/ can i? i can bear to distant myself from shomerim?? but in the first place, many shomerims are distancing themselves.. and am i even close enough to anyone? trying to.. i guess?/ xiuyi, having friends and valuing them above many.. nth wrong to have friends, but i guess one day she will find that secular friends can not provide for her spiritual needs... i guess that is what i am thinkin bout.. find pple edifying and keepin in the faith.. but realli ?/ am i lookin for such pple? or am i more bout fun and people/?

i am not breakin down.. i am jus havin a lot of thoughts, just that they are penned down in words and they are written in this haphazard manner..

anyway, nick commented that the twins are exceptionally stress for sch kids. sec school should be fun and enjoyable.. but somehow, i can and i always think that it's very normal for the twins to be like that.. maybe somewhat my sec sch experience are similar..

thinkin back, ..
filled with revolutions, with mr yue trying to pit against mr kiw's pt of view.. and the whole thing bout prefects moving in two directions (baisheng in the firm stand of doing things right. and some pple doing things rightfully.. ) caught in between many projects in sec 1 (having 1 project for each subject.. !) especially enjoyed the history project (requiring us to collect data and surverys and fieldtrip in sec 1.. fun=)~!! each hols are filled to the max, one week of prefects camp, one week of orientation, one week for pri sch leaders' camp, one week for NACLI? youth challenge? or OBS . blah.. numerous chalets and outings and performances to attend to ... 12 gold medals from the cca groups.. throughout the year attending the gold medalist concerts.. yeap,.. thinkin back, it;'s fun to attend concerts.. and my friends are up there.. and towards the last years.. school trying to shape , i mean to re-shape their values.. to compete with top schools.. duh.. so competitive and commericial. mr yue trying to change the values of the school, blah blah.. power to the students.. and in the end? he left dunman and be the principal for chung cheng.. felt that dhs became a sacrifice for his acoomplishment.. but well. well.. that's not true.. cos no one can say what is right?? to change or not to change.. perception is different..

and yes.. so, i think have been 'stressed' with projects.. results, streams, programmes and catogory.. watever, but i guess the stress are there not as stress but part of the programme.. all will survive.. it's just erm.. part of the spices for us to look back and will realise that the spices acutally don't hurt and maybe we din't even remember the taste of the spices.. but will instead, be content and satisfied with the marvelous dishes we have eaten..

back to what do i want?/ erm.. i want to know what's ahead of me.. but i know i can't, so i hope to be submissive and be comforted and can be comforted by the fact that , i can be in His will.. and He will take care of me.. not easy.. struggling..

God ans prayers

just when i tot God is closing doors for me to apply for hostel (i dun have the passowrd and the OSA Nus is not responding to me.. etc. ) just when i tot it's not His will for me to stay in hostel, i received a letter from NUS to apply for grants and scholarships.. erm.. more imptly, the application number and password is there.~!

well. . wat i am going to do is not to rush into application.. will pray hard tonight... and see how tmr.. =)

thank God.

eca...

went to cafe cartel.. with bp, ty, joyce and jaslyn and meijie amos ed... but i sat with caleb, shuhui amos and ed..

it's as usual, that amos is doin the talkin and sharing his opinions and stuffs in army.. know that he's not having an easy time.. it;s not easy to work in a large organisation.. there can nv be fair treatment and they can never really properly judge and grade ur performance.. there's no projects even if there is, the achievements and gradings are very subjective... yeap.. tough life..

actually, watever he's sayin, i concurr and i think i am often sharing the same thoughts but the thing is, often i will question myself first.. then i will think bout wat's wrong.. to me, it seems that i am the one, the problem.. which is very often true also lah.. i mean, most of the time when you want to blame someone or comment on something, there is surely something that you arne't right or perfect as well.

school starting soon, and i am not lookin forward to it... why.. !

night cycling.

::group photo:: not very nice cos the camera, hha.. got a bit of prob.. haha

yeap, had fun cyclying from 10 pm 24Jun to 4am 25 Jun. yeap.. nice time cycling.. it's nice when you are not bothered by the wheels but the things around.. the people around and the companions you have. it's also a time tothink bout a lot of things, some of them are indeed things which i may be thinkin too much into it..

the trip can be more fun, if filled with more laughters and identity. but it's no doubt a nice trip with the good weather (thank God). and of cos the good turn out.. 30 pple =)

and honghao and bohao, tim and titus came to camp over my place.. tim din even sleep (just playing his game on ed's com and leave at 615!, alone cos titus refuse to wake up.. haah.. hong and bohao left at 730? around there.. to hitch a ride from beepheng.. =) nice night.. =)



::group 5 of the team:: why am i standing so far away from the rest? and i actually tot that i was too close to the person beside me.. is this reflecting my subconsciousness?

guo qu, hai shi zian zai

"看着他们长大，我却没有觉得自己老了，反而又跟他们一同再经历成长的过程，找回逝去或从来没有拥有过的时光。好像重新多活一次。" -- 某人的blog.

读了之后，我才了解自己的心态与想法。我想我也差不多。我似乎很缺乏成长，也没有什么过程可讲的。我似乎是一个人慢慢的长大的。所以现在很喜欢与他们一同再经历成长的过程，找回逝去或从来没有拥有过的时光。给自己机会重新多活一次。

可是,有一个故事却提醒我."如果你认为错过了过去,更应该把我现在." 我很像珍惜现在,可是却觉得无助,不知道如何不错过现在. 也许因为没有过去,所以和现在的朋友格格不入. 或也许是因为现在没有能力与别人得到共识,导致我错以为我是另类的,被排斥的.

我懂我再写什么吗?

sat night

::saturday nite with the guys..::

couldn't and forgot to take pic with weiming.. paiseh..

it is supposed to be a mahjong at my house, ahaha. and thank God that now weiming etc arent seriously keen bout it already. that's good.. save my trouble of erm.. trying to compromise a bit here and there and stumbling others and myself. haha. =)

but it's a nice time hanging out with them.. so many years liao.. not easy.. soon, we will be in our diff ways.. (melbourne, london, bukit timah, boon lay, clementi.. )

well well well.. wat to say? i dun know.. =)

thank God for His ways

Romans 12:9-11
9Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

10Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

11Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

Oh, how much should i praise the Lord for His Word and instruction. never had i ever sat down and resolve issues in this hearty manner. to know that it's Lord's will for us to be loving and in honour, preferring one another and hence sitting together to share our thoughts is such a wise thing to do. surely we ought to follow the Bible's instruction, and not to allow any little leaven to remain within us. feel so good after being able to tell them what i am thinkin.

i think so far, i am th eonly one keeping thoughts from them.. maybe that's why the problem.. i admit that there's a prob or unhappiness cos i felt that i am being pointed at for being low eq due to all the happenings.. but well.. for that, the prob lies on me, cos if i am really bothered, then i am trying to hard to please men. yeap.. it;s my fault..

felt really great... cos i am largely dampen by the thought that i might not be able to behave as per normal anymore.. i mean.. who knows what they have to think bout me.. will be very hurt to know that all the friendship is being shaken and affected. well, at least i am very comfortable to move on and know that we are still brethrens, working and doing things all for the Lord. yeap... i felt sad cos i dun wish to lose the bonds, but i know .. if i try, they are still there..

jun camp 05

strolling down the beach during short sieta time, running on the soft sands and talking to friends along the way.

thank God for the camp. and i pray that all of us will remain and friends, with memories sweet... recounting in when the saints gather home. or if, the Lord tarries, years down the road, recounting the bonds we have.

o, how i realli covet for that...

chuang wai xia qi yi zhen yu

零隆大雨。很久以前伟雄作剪报的时候对于这“新词”所做的解释是，形容雨势很大。哈哈。想当年。。。

窗外现在正下着零隆大雨。其实也没什么希奇的，只不过今天刚从church camp回来。心里有许多的抉择，有太多的东西不想再想，但即使不想，仍然逃不了。我想一切都是一种启示，指引我走我应该走的路。应该是 神的回应，让我知道我的定位。

今天应该睡一整天吧。也真该是时候找他们来一聚了。从我生日那天至今还未能与他们联系。。

应该是时候了。不让我想挽回不了了。

if eq is more impt than answering to God, then, i wonder why. i dun mean it and i think it's just a few hard ways to get my prayers answered.

some things are never meant to be.. . at the end, the question still persists, persists about whether the company does matter or we can really focus on Christ. often, i am such a men-pleaser, and when i realise that i feel sucky. when i tried, and when i think that i am trying to please God, things turn bad and i feel bad as well. it's all bout me.. about me not true, maybe.

and i think this blog should moved. and it's urgent.

learning process

i lost my yellow notebook, the one which i took down messages for all the sundays, shomerim, tuesday prayer mtg and all! argh..

i intend to read thru the book and share them during the camp. too late. maybe God is asking me to start afresh...

feel quite unsure bout this camp. i think i am too ill informed. dun even feel like running the programme. felt that i am quite a puppet and i dun like it but can't be help. felt that i can be something else but welll it's set.

nevermind, i know the ultimate puppeteer behind all sceneS is God. okay.. rest my heart and allow myself to be lead. how can i know how? but i must do it. many of us, including me, have been praying for the camp and i know God will bless it for His name sake or for His purpose. all will be well... in His time and purpose.

while writing, i am still trying very hard... tryin hard to forget the things i am dwelling on and focus on camp.

cycling..

lime says that she's lacked of exercise(que fa yun dong), hence suggesting to go for a cycling trip. you might asked, doesn't she play tennis often? haha.. apparently, tengyan's balls are quite reckless and hence endanger her just-recovered eyes..

yeap, and my bro is having fun with his friends, so his bike is avail for me to use.. but sigh.. as you know, he is so much taller, so have to adjust his seat. then, forgot to tightened the screw before setting off, resulting in a flimsy seat. had a hard to cycling a bike without a seat (cos i really quite noob in cycling anyway)..

fortunately nick came to my rescue. he changed bike with me.. =)

oh ya.. back to my journey to the east.. after metres of cycling we reached pasir ris park.. climbed the web (the infamous spider web), and chat and talk and fellowship.. =)

a night in sentosa

i think i have blogged too much in shomerimblog.. maybe i should start to record things in my own blog.. maybe those shomerim activities are jsut me.. ? not sure..

On the 9th June 2005:

First of all, congrats to Daniel for passing out from BMT. haha... and he, trying to celebrate, as well as to catch some fun, had this bbq@sentosa.


::yeap.. it's bbq time and that's honghao setting up the fire. a prelude to our June Camp Campfire Night..


::walking to the southernmost point of CONTINENTAL asia.. ..::
nice spot to look at the waves and talk and fellowship...

==

a night with the ya ya twins, trying to do their o level add maths and i cannot do quite a no of them! die lah.. going uni liao.. how?? ! felt that it's really a time of change recently. i guess all of them are growing up.. ya.. all of them.. my bro, the twins, even pple like ty, jiannan and nick are growing.. or changing.. and i am still here, resisting to change.

cool google

cool picture.. =) i wish i can draw like that.. =)

reading blogs

enjoy reading blogs. allows me to think that i am not alone.

enjoy stumbling into blogs. there may be things i am interested in.

but i am very glad when pple invite me to their personal blog. feel that i have gained a friend.

today

my day starts with breakfast with the kidz.. jeshua javan baoyan rachel esther. i am so glad that i asked to bring jeshua and javan, if not i would have been left alone on my own. haha.. the girls are so secretive and "sisters".. in other words --closed up. and now rachel and baoyan are like best friends of all..

and there's this big hussle and commotion trying to plan the cleaning duties cos ra wants to be with baoyan. children.. haha.. well, i can understand, i am stil half a child and i can remember the times when i was young.

but overall, like the feeling of doting children.. if they allow me too of cos.. =) esther is so diff to know.. she's like sometimes child-like and chatty and sometimes giving you that face only a rude adult will give you.. dun know take her as child or adult.. fan bai yan! argh..




--
then it's about church in the afternoon. felt stirred during the message. not really about the message content but about myself.. erm.. really felt that there's too much pride taken for the things that i am doing.. and i seemed to be doing them for vain glory and getting attention for myself.. ya.. i know i am wrong.. and i am seriously tryin to deal with my pride. may all glory be unto Him, the Great and Almighty One.

after chuch, felt quite restless, dun know what's next.. felt quite lost. dun know why.. and saw desmond, feeling that i am feeling the same way as him. there can be more friendship forged in the church. yes, as i was saying, i ought to remember Him to be my best Friend at all times but i think a close brethren is impt too.. well.. if He thinks and know that i really need one, i trust that He will give.

church camp is next week!! there's so much to finish and accomplish before then.. argh!!. must spend more time with God.

and shomerim, yah.. it's 22 people in the group today!! felt so happy to see that the the circle is big.. look at the pic! it's only taken from one angle so cannot see the full attendance but notice the big circle. heehee. truly, how i wish that the Lord will find us faithful.

Went to liangkiang's grandpa's wake. again, it's a test for him.. to be firm and not to participate with the rites and rituals.. i felt so bad cos i din't stay firm when i was in sec 1/2 when my grandma died. it's a testing and i failed it then..

i am so encouraged and feel erm.. happy for him. ya.. honghao actually willingly gave up to go for spec course to attend church camp. will i be like him in the same situation? at least i know, if i were in sec 3, i am not as zealous to live for my Lord. but i know i must catch up now and make up for the lost years of nominal christians. !

happy birthday roy~

dearest royston...

Happy 21st BirThday! friendz always!!~..





yeap.. tho we have diff lives and friends, and different route in life, i never fail to feel that you are my best friend each time we met. thanks for being a friend and happy birthday>~

ernest

---

yeap.. roy's bdae party at tamp safra ktv lounge. it's a party indeed where there's KTV in the hall and pool table (tho i din't play) and free flow of drinks, alcohol and non-alcohol. it's a total diff bdae cele from mine.. but of cos the cost is high. haha..

//and i stop and think, will i prefer his or mine. i think i will keep mine. his 21st birthday is so adult, with ktv and all, and that is something that i am not very keen to have.. adulthood? nope i am not celebrating adulthood, i am celebrating cos it's worth being happy.

and the group of friends? he has relatives (which i have excluded) and friends from army, jc, cca, sec sch and of cos pri school.. so nice to see him partying with his army friends/platoon mates, they are really a bunch of crazy guys boozing away.. and also with him, his friends.. i can feel that they are a close bunch of friends.. i guess, to me, he's another type of friend, a type of friend whom i will always remember to be my best friend from primary school. it's the ties that binds and the memories that holds. that loong time after, we will still take each other as friends more than acquaintance..

//then i stop to think again, thinking that it will be so nice if i had, erm.. maybe table tennis teammates or army camp mates to party with. people whom i have spent great deal of time going thru exciting events together... but i know i shouldn't think this way.. i thank God for giving me the friends that i have now.. no matter how distant they may seem to be, they are still my friends..

i may not have a party with lotsa yum-seng but i have a bbq with help from so many friends and shomerim celebrating with me. yesh.. counting my blessing..

excluding my relatives is smth which doesn't hurt me but i think it's quite a loss to my parents. i think it's really their joy to announce that their son is 21 already. yeap..

saw shevon, she's all grown up. just like my bro. feel so old. haha.

think that my bdae bbq is God-given. until the very last week i have not settle all my food and help came from tengyan and beepheng. and when i tot i have little friends to invite, i have shomerim and church to celebrate with me. thinking back, i really feel the sweetness from God.

and when i was envying roy having good and close friends around, i felt guitly again. cos i actually allow to forget my Friend, Lord Jesus, who has been with me all the time. i am so vulnerable to remember only physical tangible objects.

wanfen felt so at home over there, for she knows almost one person from each table.. from all over the places.. haha. and me? well.. i have small social circle. heeh. also stop to ponder what is the ernest that i want to be.. the one who says hi and bye to lots of people or the quiet, introvert me.. ? need to think bout and make a decision before uni aagain..

21 years old.. what's next?

sentosa overnight trip

Sentosa Overnight Stay

some teacher from tnps was sick and couldn't make it for the trip n hence bee pheng ask me if i want to 'stand in' for her.. of cos i wnat to.. ! it sounds fun.

it's a pri school learning journey at sentosa's underwater world. reach there at bout 5 and there will be a trainer to present some facts etc.. about sharks.

then, they proceed to the underwaterworld for tour and facts learning followed by quiz. at night, we will stay in the underwaterworld, sleeping in the tunnel. =) cool sia.. it's like sleeping in a room full of aquariams and fish tank. i choose the spot beside a big tank! haha. quite cool!..

then the next day.. it's dolphin intereaction.. but i fell asleep during the show cos i was chatting with beepheng till bout 3! haha.. nice talk.. talkin bout church, people, children, keith and all.. fun.. haha..

and yes.. followed byt the touch the dolphin segment, which i think it's the best of all. took a picture.. will post as soon as i gotten the picture.. hehe. =)

nice time at sentosa!!

it's a nice trip, like an excursion.. and nice to see keith playing.. he's so adorable.. haha!. .