before intersession and confession.. allow me to vent it.,.
i know i am stupid and ridiculous to behave in some ways but that's me.... how? ii am trying hard.. really.. before i try to change.. let me vent my frust..
it's been days..
i am wondering, how much am i needed/? or how much am i appreciated. benjamin is not happy in MP br becos he felt no appreciation from superiors.. me? there's appreciation from mrs seet, definitely .. i guess.. but i dun get any appreciation from colleagues.. maybe whatever i do really doesn't concerns them.. huh? ya.. maybe.. maybe whatever that i do i really what i am supposed to do, to ans their question and provide solutions to situations, situation so nitty gritty that most probably no one can remember and have any impression. resultant? i did nothing for them? cos all that i did were too minute. yah.. forget it ernest.. let it go.. dun care. dun know anything and let it be..
but can it be done? now, it seems that it's my fault for not helping them.... honestly, i do think that all my stuffs are easy stuffs.. simple things.. but .. argh..
maybe i am getting too close to maj lim etc.. having too many breakfast with them and etc.. actualliy i also dun know what makes maj lim asking me for breakfast.. think it's norm, so much so becomes courtesy to ask.. even wendy also dun eat with them.. maj lim says it's because i am covering mrs seet, indirectly somewhere at the management level there.. ya.. is that true?
this is also another irony. i wish to be at command, having them listening to me. yet, i have this tendency to feel the command with arrows in hand, which is despically wrong. i cannot be like that, cos that will be wendy's style, to show power with lotsa arrows and scolding. francis keep saying i am going to scold him , etc.. guesssi am like wendy.. but on the other hand, i also felt burden to help each and everyone with all their problems, thinking that i am in the position to help all, so i helpED. does that mean that i dun teach them enough? that i am reserving too much knowledge from them to prevent them from being independant?
but some people just dun and obviously trying to siam responsiblity. okok, i know it's jsut NS, why bother right? but it's despicable for someone to chat on forum all day and refuse to help out in other.. okay, slip disc, so cannot carry.. you win.. but some times, i am asking you to help with clerical....
my fault also lies in my mentality.. and also my inferiority... i felt no company. fred had see too and now kenneth.. rms, being so amiable can click with all.. left me alone, trapped in my extravagant, superflous pride and attitude.. no wonder i am an island and am a bad guy...
the very reason for my "capablity" is unknown at this moment.. is it cos i am the docu alone>? or my independance, or my siao-on?
my war is waging, and i am losing, of cos.. for i am alone.. i need to make right with all.. may God help me. for it's not a good testimony to be a bad guy among all of them..
........
3 comments:
Hey bub. You're given a job to do, just do it. Yes, you may feel shitty about the job you're doing but hey, everyone has to go through it, someone got to do the dirty work.
Alright, I'll be a christian for 5 minutes. Whenever you feel you're stuck in a moment you can't get out of, stuck with a choice of doing something which is right or doing the thing right, just remember that the Big Cheese (God) gave you the same power that he gave to every living thing's mother's son and daughters.
That power is called Free Will.
You have the right to choose to or not to help. Its your call, it may seem like a bad or wrong thing to do, but hey, you made the call because you can. no one is going to slit your throat for that.
You asked for help, and the people you asked help from choose not to help you. End of story. Move on to the next guy who you think will want to help you. Lets face it, you're not going to get anything done by just whining at that one guy who did not want to help.
I knew how that person (person in the 8th paragraph you mentioned) was like, in the 2nd week he came in. I believe that you heard talks such as "You'll learn a lot of stuff in the army." and "Army will build you Character." Crap talk if you asked me. I know of idiots and morons that join the army as an idiot, left the army still very much an idiot. No change there.
When I came out into the real world i was 16. I already knew then that the role I was condemned to, namely to keep quiet and do what I was told, gave me the perfect opportunity to listen and observe. Not to what people told me, which naturally was of no interest to me, but to whatever it was they were trying to hide. I practiced detachment. I learn how to look cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork onto the back of my hand. I became a virtuoso of deceit. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end it all came down to one wonderfully simple principle:
Win or Die.
Oh yes, i forgot to add this.
Yes, you're in a war. Just remember that what can't kill you, only makes you stronger.
So go ahead and lose a couple of battles. 'Cause at the end of the day, you'll realise that you've won the war.
- From your one and only bad friend.
You should know who I am, otherwise i'll kick you in your nuts so hard you're gonna cry and go back to play your barbie dolls.
Enjoy the ride my good friend. :)
yes, i felt it.. thks
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