naration

i feel like blogging with more ingenuity.. meaning, more transparent, and
risking to expose more of myself.. yah.. at least going to be narrative more
a few days.. till i get my sanity and emotional curve gradient hit dee y dee
x = zero and becomes positive...

i shall have 倒叙文。。。

i din take a bus home tonight.. i walked to 7eleven, bought a big gulp,
mixing 100plus with coke.. and walk back.. took a stoll, a relative slow
walk.. back home.. with thoughts running thru my head.. the coke was to make
me happier.. (i always think that eating/consumption can make me feel
happy.. when i am sad, i look for food.. with the hope that something on my
tongue can make me happier..

good stroll i guess. make me calm.. and gave me time to reflect..

before that had a movie with rms and dki. let's talk bout movie first..

The Best Bet 突然发财
it was originally last on my list.. and it remained to be last on my list if
i had a choice.. basically it's like talkingcock.com, dude where's my car
which runs on a filmsy plot, with the emphasis on the language and the
connotation in the dialogues.. it's 60% hockien, of cos i have no prob with
that.. haha.. but i do prefer some other movie with a plot/story.

with regards to my outing with rms and dki, i realise how much have i missed
out during my days of self isolation. rms said something very true to me
last time, "ernest, you are ostracising yourself".

i have mentality of "if you dun tell me, i will not ask, even if i am
interested. if you treat me as a friend, you will tell me automatically". i
also thought that "as long as you are willing to talk about the topic in
front of me to another friend, i will think that you have given me enough
recognition to be your friend."

i think i am wrong, and i have written before, if you dun ask, they will not
tell.. you must show interests before people share things with you... last
time, when wm and vin talk about their closetted juicy stories, i acted
indifferently. result? after some time, i have missed out so much info to
catch up.. and to make conversation with them.. forever, i am the odd one
out.. the stranger among a group.

remember this incident, about i month ago, when i met Joel at TM. talk to
him for a while, trying to be as friendly / chatty as possible (cos he's my
friend, a friend whom i dun even talk occassionally, just cos he's wah2's
good friend and wm's good friend.) joel asked me, :"how's wm and janice?:"
apparently, he thinks that wm, whom supposed to be my friend (afterall, i
have known him for more than one third of my life) will tell me about
janice. so, what am i supposed to answer? i just simply answer him with what
i know thru weixiong's conversation with wm. yes.. this is me, i dun get
information, people dun tell me, i so-called evedropped. i really dun think
i evedrop, cos ahem, (being optismistic) wm will share with me if i ask him
just that i dun ahve the face and character and behavior for him to talk to
me about these stuffs..

i am alwasy like that, i dun get to know things cos people tell me, i just
get to hear them talking.. and yes.. it happens, with them, with cco, with
work, with church even. you can say i have a high ability to receive stray
signals....

i really dun know how much will this behavior cost me. for sure, it is this
observation of mine which teaches me almost everything i knwo in cco now.
tian didn't teach me much, i just watch and see.. (okay.. i am narrating
this too much from my OWN perspective.) i bet someone else will think
otherwise from me..

so, now, knowing that i have missed out that much,.. how to catch up...
--

went for despatch, using dennis' car, to cmpb and to house recce eugene's
house.. but guess what? i FLOP seriously! i was supposed to deliver his pink
ic, and i did bring it along.. have to drive back and take.. wtf.. what am i
doing? ! and i still have the cheek to email CPC for my ACC course..

--

was busy before my despatch, runnign up and down.. it's always when i cannot
be in camp that there's so much for me to tend to.. and wong called me to
ask for a subjust title for RO msg.. well. .not ath i dun wan to help., but
i can't see the physical RO, hence cannot help with proficiency.. but he's
improving, thanks to rms always giving him chance to be independant. unlike
me who keep doing it for him.. pros and cons shown here..

and i think jj is another one who is getting a bit reliant on me.. hope it's
jus my halucination..

well.. during ippt conducting this moring, i went up to fred asking him
questions, absoluting forgetting what happen the past few days.. so
conclusion? it's easy to let go bad thigns if you are just willing.
relalyi.. but too bad that he's cautious over it. since, i realise that what
had happen isnt really at the back of my mind, i shouldn't be giving myself
trouble. (afterall, my heavenly Father have forgive and bear with me for so
long, i should treat all my neighbors well as instructed by Him). hence,
didn't go for breakfast with mrs seet.. guess i need time to socialise with
my fellow NSFs.. but.. sigh.. fred actually bought breakfast for jason.. and
the question was asked last night.. so.. things are clear.. anyway, he
slept his day thru for as long as i remember.. i left office at 1430..
**nope i am not directing any implication or criticism here.. it's a
naration of events.. !!!

and i strongly concur with dki, if only i dun take cab, i think my life will
be much happier.. yesh.. i wan to quite cabbing.