long time no chat. nice talking to him. have also learnt a few things.
alan, a postively thinking, optimistic and confident guy. it is his confidence that i dun have and dun like him to have. (evil me right?) so, when we talked, i always sound flippant and can't-be-bothered. i give him the opposite reaction that a normal person will react to his stories. i just dun want to accede to his expectations, prediction.
however, i realise that there's something that is holding me back from being happier than him/ or to win him in conversation. it is still that self-confidence. he is proud of his job, his school, his behavior and his activities. the pride and the enthu in himself is like an amour for him to withstand and unhappy criticism.
he's actively involved in leaders' stuff, counsellors.. class activities..
me too. correction, i used to. i used to be invovled actively in prefects, class and my own friends gathering. but now? i am holding back.
back in JC, i held back, chose PA Crew to Student counsellor (back then thinking bout my skin condition and the fear people have upon seeing me)
in class? i push away all the responsibilities, to jiwei. thinkin that it is sth that is not reciprocated. thinkint that i am not good enough, thinkin that i am not popular to do the job. thinkin that i dun have the attributes to be one gregarious person, so i gave up.
now? i am holding back my change. i want to be as cheerly and gregarious and active person. but? ya.. something is holding me back as well.. why? ask God.
actually , my skin condition has only myself to blame. I am just not discipline enough to stop scratching!!!! and when the skin heals, i feel weird. it is like it is not normal for me to have normal skin. and i will start to be unattentive to my skin condition til it is beyond salvage again. why am i such a wretched person?
okok.. enough. enough.. ~
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